The creepy crawly L word...

About a month ago Lexi and I had to deal with the L word... nope, not love... LICE! I have no idea where she got it as all of our friends kiddos were free and clear of the little buggers, but sure enough, she had them... and then gave them to me! She was scratching her head for a couple of days and kept complaining that her head itched... Its summer so I'm gonna be honest here, sometimes baths are the same as playing in the sprinkler or playing in the pool! So, off to the bath I sent her to scrub her down, thinking that maybe she just had a build up of chlorine... Still itchy? YEP! I put her head in my lap and pull her hair up and Woah, bugs!! I had visions of that little comb and wrestling with Lexi to have her sit still long enough for me to comb every single piece of her hair, lets just say there was crying and screaming and some bad words in these visions. Off to Pinterest I went to find another alternative to getting rid of these things. I really didn't want to do much chemicals on miss Lexi's head and honestly, my head was itching and I figured I should find something we could use that we already had around the house. I found a couple of different solutions, Mayo on the head, Vinegar on the head, mouthwash on the head, coconut oil on the head. Some of these sounded like they had some potential! Cheap, things I already had on hand and from what I was reading, not a lot of combing!! I did a combination of a couple of the things I found online. Coconut oil and Listerine. The coconut oil is supposed to suffocate the bugs and break down the outer shell of the eggs. The Listerine is suppose to kill both the bugs and the eggs since the coconut oil broke down the outer shell. First, I put coconut oil all over the hair and scalp, like really doused it and rubbed it in, I then put on a shower cap and let that sit for half a day. Word of warning though, the coconut oil goes from solid to liquid with body heat, so make sure to tuck some papertowels under the shower cap to keep all the oil from dripping down necks and foreheads (the husbands reclining chair wishes I would have thought about that before). After letting the oil sit for a good 4 hours, I ran the comb through her hair and was able to get bugs and nits out of her hair, it was pretty easy because the oil made it slick. Then, we washed her hair with dawn soap. It feels weird and almost gritty trying to get the oil out, but do the best you can. Then, I put Listerine in her hair, I soaked her hair in it, left it pretty drippy and then put the shower cap back on. Again, use the paper towels to catch the drippyness that can happen. I let that sit on her hair for another 4 hours, combed and washed with dawn and then regular shampoo and conditioner. With the conditioner in her hair I combed again, let me just say that my combing was not intricate or very detailed, not section by section like you are supposed to. I didn't get anything out with that last combing! I did the whole regimen again two days later with no bugs or nits to report and I can gladly say that they didn't come back! I'm pretty sure this was the easiest way to get rid of Lice I have ever heard of. I can guarantee you, if our house is ever infested with them again, this is the way we are going! And now I have to stop writing about them, because my head itches!!

To be honest...

To be honest, I had no idea what TBH was on Facebook. I would look at some of my friends kids Facebook walls and there would be all of these things that said TBH this and TBH that. I thought it might be kind of interesting to do my own TBH... here it goes. TBH - -I'm a hoarder of things that trigger memories. -I still have most every letter that was ever written to me and when I'm feeling I don't belong in this crazy world of mine, I read those and know that I'm right where God meant for me to be. Plus, they make me smile. (see item 1) -I think having life long relationships shows a lot about the type of person you are -I have crazy unrealistic fears when it comes to my loved ones, lets just say my imagination goes wild when I can't get in touch with someone. -I am an eternal optimist - there is no cloud too big that you can't see the silver lining. -I don't have a favorite color. -I do not make decisions well. -I over-analyze absolutely everything. -I think that I'm pretty much an open book, but when the going gets tough I tend to internalize the problems and work them out myself... -I think that being a mommy is one of the hardest, mind blowing jobs that one can have - and I'm grateful that I get to experience it. -Sometimes, the things worth having are hard Whats your TBH??

This girl

This girl of mine - she has my heart. She is beyond silly and makes me laugh every single day! Some of her favorite things right now is telling me no (big shocker) Making silly faces at the phone while I take pictures of her, Writing notes to others (score, mommy got a note!)  Showing off and being the center of attention - as long as she knows the people around her. She wants to be tickled, but tells you to stop. Sneaking in our bed for some midnight snuggles.

Reminder of the day - be thankful for the moments you have with those you love. Those moments are fleeting and are not often able to be repeated. Make memories while you can.

Moss

There is this moss in the concrete that I step over every day on my way into the office where I work. I love this moss. Its lush and deep green and healthy. One might even venture to say that this moss is thriving. its a daily reminder to me as I walk in the building every morning - still tired from the lack of sleep that I'm sure every parent has.. From the overwhelming self pressures of my house isn't clean, I have a pile of laundry that I need to do, I don't talk to my family enough, I haven't made enough time for my friends and loved ones, I know that I'm lacking in the mommy-ing department as well as the wife department - need I go on? But this reminder is that no matter how hard things get, no matter how stuck you feel in this crevace, no matter how many times you've been stepped on, no matter how many times icky dirty water has been splashed on you, that you can still grow. This moss gives me hope. Hope, that no matter what life throws at me that I'll continue to grow. That i won't let the hard things in life hold me back. The moss grew in the cracks of a sidewalk - lush healthy, thriving beautiful moss growing with nothing but hard non forgiving concrete all around it. I've got a lot of concrete in my life, I think we all do. Those hard things that no matter how many times or how many ways you've thought or tried to, the hard stuff just won't move. Why not take a different approach, the moss approach? Grow around the hard stuff. Grow in between the cracks of that hard stuff. I bet, one day looking back, we'll be able to see that maybe, just maybe that hard stuff gave us stability instead of making us weaker, maybe it gave us the ability to hold up to other hard things. So, tomorrow, when the hard stuff seems unmoveable and the pressures from the world feel like they are about to crush you, try to find the cracks that you can grow in. Find the areas that you can thrive in. Know that the hard stuff has a purpose.

Heather

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from the Clear's

ps, I have no idea how the tree lights do the little twinkle thing, but it is DANG cool!!

Honesty in dreams

I get this question a lot. How many kids do you have? I answer, depending on how much or how little this person is going to be in my life... for those just passing through, the answer is one, for those that are going to kick off their shoes and stay a while, I'll say we have Lexi and our Angel Logan, which usually prompts the conversation detailing how and when Logan died. Inevitably the question is asked, well, are you going to have another? My blanket answer is, In time... Even family and friends who have asked when we are going to try again, the answer is, we've talked about it, in time... I've honestly felt like I was ready to start trying for another child. Going down that scary road of hope, knowing that not all times that road ends in the happy arrival of a beautiful baby. I will be honest in saying that the thought of another child has sometimes consumed me, grasping and desperatly wanting something to make things 'right.' I know that another child will not replace the fact that we lost Logan... nor would I want another child to replace that. I've heard and read so many times that having a child after losing one often helps to heal your heart in places you didn't even know was broken - BOOM, that's what I want! I'm feeling okay, really I am, but I just feel like something is missing. The mister and I have had several conversations about having another child, he just isn't ready yet, and I have been okay with that... but also anxious to get this show on the road. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that we sat down and actually had a conversation about losing Logan and having another child. He admitted that he really isn't ready and at that moment, it hit me.. all this time I thought I was ready for anothr child, I was rushing him in his process of grief... wow, look at how supportive I am :( UGH.. Grief is really something a person has to struggle through on their own timeline, when they are ready, no time lines and no perfect way to do it. - So, I've backed off, not brought up anything about having another child since this time, holding my toungue a bit, but not too bad... this obviously gave my brain a break to think about the reality of it all.... Last night, we went to sleep a little early, Lexi had fallen asleep on the couch and this was our opportunity to fall asleep, without a kiddos foot on our heads or a right hook into the jaw :) I fell asleep fairly fast, which is a rarety and was instantly in the most realistic dream: We were at my parents house, just visiting... Lexi is running around with the cat and having a good time... My mom brings my dad a glass of tea and Lexi notices this, she climbs up on dad's lap and says, 'Papa, I'm firsty' it's their code for share your tea with me... so she takes a drink and jumps off his lap to continue to play with the cat. Dad looks over at me and says, 'You know what I think we need' and I finish his sentence with 'another grandbaby?'... 'Exactly!' at this point in my dream I can actually feel myself tense up and I reach for Johnny's hand and say.. 'You know what Dad, I don't know that is going to happen for a while, because we are so damn terrified!' Dad, being caught off guard looks at me quizzically as I start crying. 'We are scared to go down a road that we don't know where it leads. We have Lexi, can't we just be satisfied that we have her? Why are you asking us to take the chance at additional heartache?' again, Dad, just sits there and Mom comes and sits at the table too, she takes his hands and they both just stare at me, at us... disbelief and what I can only assume horror on their faces. I continue to say that I wish we could have another child and not have the fear of what we know can happen, but that isn't the case... Dad, then takes both Johnny and my hand and simply says, 'There isn't a road in life worth taking that doesn't have some sharp turns, bumpy patches and even some detours to unexpected places... sometimes these roads take you down a fearful path to show you what you are capable of.' With tears in my eyes I woke up, snuggled closer to my sleeping husband and knew that whatever road we go down, we are very capable. I didn't realize that I still had such strong fearful feeling about having another child, but I do know that, I've got the best support system around to go down these roads.

Year Three

It is so hard to believe that it has been three years since we lost Logan. These three years have flown by with painful speed, but also healing waves. I’m not going to lie and say that its been easier than I imagined, some days, sure it has, but others I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck. I can say though that at year three the mac truck days are less than they were at year two. I feel like I’ve settled in on my new reality. That having a stillborn son is part of who I am, its intertwined in the fabric of my being. I don’t feel like I’m bitter or hateful because of it, I feel like I’ve been enriched with experience and love. I don’t know how or when I got to this point, but I can say without a doubt that I have been blessed with amazing people in my life who have helped me get here. I have family and friends who don’t bat an eye when I mention Logan’s name, they know he is a part of my story; he is a part of my day to day life. These are the same people who send me emails, texts and FB messages saying that they are thinking of me and my family today as we remember Logan, amazingly and incredibly blessed am I.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I began to think about those parents whose children have died when they are still babies, maybe even toddlers, but those children have lived. I have often wondered what it would have been like if we had lost Logan after he was here for a while… is that pain more intense? Does it make it easier having those memories? I have always had that question… is it better to have no living recollection of our babies or does having those memories lessen that pain? Is it better to not have a memory of the first time they rolled over or is it easier to have that vivid memory and the happiness you felt? I know that neither one of these situations is easy and I only have experience with one, but if you ever wanted to know the randomness of a mothers grief, this is a prime example.

I submitted my story to be included in the book Return to Zero, unfortunately it did not get chosen to be published in the book. BUT, they have teamed up with http://reconceivingloss.com to have the stories that were not chosen for the book to still be published. As a way to remember Logan today, I submitted a shortened version of our story. I took days one, two and three and cut them down to 1500 words. Hopefully our story can help someone else realize they are not alone in this journey, even when they feel they are.

Here is my submission.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010 was a day that changed my life forever. It was the day I started my journey of living with a child in Heaven, a piece of my heart permanently missing. Logan hadn’t been moving much and so I called my doctor’s office. I was told he had probably turned around, so I couldn’t feel him kick. I was told to lie down and focus on movement. I was at work, I concentrated as hard as I could and tried to make him move... nothing.
As soon as we get to the doctors office we are taken to a room for a non-stress test. For 15 heartbreaking minutes the nurse would find a heartbeat then dismiss it as mine. Finally, a midwife came in and after 5 minutes with nothing, its decided we need a sonogram. Johnny and I already knew. We walked into the sono room only to find the tech who told us Logan was a boy. She squeezed the jelly on my stomach, moved the wand into position and there he was, motionless. I saw out of the corner of my eye the tech look at the midwife and shake her head. The midwife came over, touched my leg and said, ‘I’m sorry there is no heartbeat, He’s gone.’

Gone? Why? Where do I go from here?

Heartbroken, we are sent back to a room. Our doctor came in to explain our options; induce labor now, tomorrow or wait for nature to take its course. We chose to induce labor the next day.

That night was a blur, I remember sitting on the living room floor talking and crying with my parents. My dad said that if he could have taken Logan’s place, he would. I fell asleep crying, asking God to please have Logan be alive…

December 1st, we arrived at the hospital for our 7A.M. check in time. 14 months before we were here in labor with our daughter; same hospital, same floor, same nurses, but this time was different, very different. Amy, The first nurse I talked to instantly knew who I was and walked us to our room. Tears streamed down my face as I stood in the delivery room; feeling lost and scared. Amy cried alongside with me; she was the nurse that would deliver Logan. Amy hooked up the monitors and left for the day. Shortly after my parents and our dear friend Jen arrived, having dropped everything to be at our side. Around 8:30 Dr Langaker came in and explained what was to happen. I was paralyzed with fear, and in a room full of loved ones I felt so alone.

Dr Langaker tried to explain everything in the gentlest of terms but also very honestly. I asked her how long I would be waiting for Logan to be delivered; she said that it would depend on how my body reacted to being induced. At 24 hours we could reevaluate ‘other options’. Thankfully we didn’t have to go down that road.

7 P.M. Nurses Amy and Heather came back at shift change. They were so great, they loved on me like they had known me for years and allowed me to grieve however I needed to.

By 8 P.M. I was not progressing, I was thankful as this meant that Logan was with me a little longer. They decided to increase the medication to start labor, and at 8:30 P.M. the contractions started. I was offered an epidural and several times I refused. My heart felt conflicted, “Why should I have relief if it hurt Logan when he died?” I still hope that Logan died peacefully and I didn’t cause him to die. I eventually took the epidural and cried myself to sleep. I know what is coming, my baby is going to be born, but he will not cry, he will not move, he has died.

At 1A.M. I woke abruptly as I knew something was happening. I called out to Johnny asleep in the chair saying I need a nurse. We found the call button. Amy came in, checked, and said that I was fully dilated and ready to push. It was time to call the doctor. I asked Johnny to go get mom from the waiting room.

Mom and Johnny came in just as they wheeled in the bassinet; another scene that is burned into my mind. I remember being joyful when I saw Lexi in her bassinet, but this bassinet brought tears and the reminder that Logan had already died.

With Johnny and Mom by my side, Amy delivered Logan. The doctor didn’t get there in time. He blessed this earth on December 2nd at 1:10 AM. He weighed 2 lbs. 6.8 ounces and was 15 inches long. Logan Joseph Clear was born without a breath, without a cry, but he was here.

One thing that I didn’t think about was what would happen after Logan was delivered. How it would feel to hold him and love on him knowing that he wasn’t alive. The nurses were great. They cleaned him up and gave him to me as soon as he was born. I will never forget that moment, I was afraid to hold him, fearing I would break his already fragile body. Mom also held Logan; Johnny and Dad chose not to, and that is a decision one has to make for themselves.

Mom and I took turns holding and loving him. We talked to him and told him how much we loved him. They took Logan from the room and took measurements and made plaster imprints of his hands and feet. When they brought him back he was dressed in a blue gown that had footballs sewn as buttons, a blue and white knit cap and a matching blanket. He was dressed as if he was a living child, that meant to world to me. They also brought a camera for us to take pictures. I don’t remember how long he was with us in the room, but they allowed us as much time as we needed. When they finally took Logan I told him that I would see him later, fully intending to see him before we left. I never did, it was just too hard. A decision I regret.

They transferred me to a different floor to shield me from the other live births. Once settled Johnny and I fell asleep, curled up in each other’s arms, trying to find some comfort.

At shift change, Amy and Heather brought us several scrapbook pages with Logan’s name and foot and hand prints, they brought the foot imprints, and even printed off and burned a c.d. of all the pictures we had taken. We exchanged hugs and I tried to express my thanks to them. I couldn’t have asked for a more caring, compassionate pair of nurses.

Next, we had to make arrangements for Logan. What to do with his body? Where to have his body sent? We decided on cremation, so if we ever moved we could take him with us. As I came back into the room I saw Johnny on the phone with the funeral home making arrangements for our son. I listened as he explained that our son had died, he was stillborn, and we needed to make arrangements for cremation. It was something that Johnny felt he needed to do, he wanted to handle this part of our journey, being a husband and dad. In that moment my admiration and respect for Johnny was unparalleled, and through our journey he continues to amaze me.

That afternoon, the doctor came and brought discharge papers. I was ready to get out of the hospital, ready to see my daughter, but this meant that I would be leaving the hospital without Logan. I was leaving him there, in the basement morgue waiting to be picked up by the funeral home. If I left it meant that I could never see him again. Everyday happy couples leave the hospital with their newborn babies, but not us, not today; we were leaving with empty arms and heavy hearts.

Since then we’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. It’s been hard trying to be the support system for each other when we’re using all our own energy just to get through each day. We’ve been impatient with Lexi, maybe a little too often. We’ve let friendships slip away that we shouldn’t have. We have had to find a new normal. Trying to rebuild our marriage and family out of the ashes of what was to be. It’s been difficult, at times unbearable, but we’ve learned that Logan allowed us to see the world in a different light. We need to cherish the things that we hold most dear. We need to live life a little more. We realize bad things happen, but if we hold on tight and ride the storm we may just see the rainbow.

I also just want to say thank you to everyone who has held our hands, given us hugs and thought of us during our journey. It helps knowing we are supported, it helps knowing that we aren’t being looked at as fragile. We love you all so much and can’t even express our gratitude… words simply aren’t enough.