Forgiveness

I've been blessed. Really. My entire life, I've never had a shortage of blessings. Even in the deepest toughest experiences there have been blessings.

One of the blessings that I've recently had is forgiveness and understanding.

And forgiveness and understanding from family is the best.

One of the relationships that really went south a couple years ago was with Mr. Clear's family. The relationship with his family was never what I would call close, but it was still a relationship, tested and cracked, but still there. We pulled away for many reasons, but most of which was our pride and our feelings, when we didn't have words to express our hurt. It has always been hard for me to not have family around. My family is all gone from Kansas (besides my friends who are like my family). And I've always ALWAYS been a person who believed that family is important.

Last summer Johnny's sister popped by the house, totally unexpected, but I'm completely thankful that she did. Since then we've texted back and forth, kept in contact a little, very nonshalantly.
Remember my post about being intentional? I've really decided to take that to heart. So I've sought out opportunities to spend more time with my sister in law and her family. I've been intentional by asking for forgiveness for our shortcomings. I've asked to be more involved. I've become more honest with them than I ever was, about my feelings, about our family, about our loss, about our hurt. Every time I've opened up, I've been received with open arms. It has really done my heart some good to know that I've set to clearing the path that we've made a mess. I know that there is much work to be done, but its a start.

The mister has a brother too. He's in the Navy. We haven't seen him since before Lexi was born. He had never met her, until this past weekend. I walked into my SIL house and he was there to great me, again, with open arms. A big hug. I literally had to hold back tears. I didn't get to ask for forgiveness, but I felt it was given. Lexi was being her shy little self and didn't really pay much attention to him, but He's still here for about a week, and I want to work on that! I want him to enjoy little miss the way she is, attitude and all!

The thing about forgiveness is that most times, its given without asking for it. There comes this time when the world gets awkward. You want to make things better, but you don't know the words to say... sometimes there are no words to say. I've been blessed with forgiveness by being open and honest. I've been blessed with forgiveness by doing nothing but hugging. Its amazing how matters of the heart can be so simple, if you only stop holding on to the fear.

What have you been fearing? What do you want to ask forgiveness for? What's stopping you?

change in perspective

Unconditional love is a hard thing. And building a relationship off of unconditional love is a really hard thing. Have you ever stopped to think about unconditional love? Its like a promise that no matter what a person does you still love them. Everything these days has conditions on it. I'll admit, I've put conditions on my relationships, unintentionally, but they are there. You do this for me and I'll continue to love you. I mean I don't say that out loud, but its there. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but it also makes me human... it also allows me to accept that this is a place that I need to focus on. An area in my life that needs work.
I've told you how the mister lost his job. I'll admit that it is completely stressing me out, but I have to have faith that something will turn up. But its also shown me this side of my heart. I feel like I'm taking on the entire load right now and that its all me, financially right at this moment, that may be true. However my side is not the only side, finances is not the only load to be held right now. Johnny is holding a lot too. He's holding the fear that he may not be able to find a job, that he may not be able to help pay the bills, that he may not be living up to his expectations of himself. Boom... that's a lot to put on a person. I am worrying about tangible things while he is worrying about his self worth... and he's doing a damn good job of taking on the household chores while still battling the self worth issues.
Last night I got home after work and was dog tired. He could see it. He told me to go to bed, of course I fought it. He warmed up dinner and allowed me to go change out of my work clothes and spend a little time with Lexi. I hadn't noticed right off, but he'd done the dishes and done a couple loads of laundry. He'd also picked up and swept the living room. He allowed me to go tanning and spend a little me time. He tucked me into bed and told me he would put little one down for bed while stroking my hair, gave me a kiss and told me to have sweet dreams.
As I laid in bed I overheard him talking sweet words to our baby girl. Knowing he was frustrated with the fact that it was now 11:30 and she still wasn't in bed asleep, but instead of getting angry he offered to cuddle. I began to feel a bit guilty (don't even know that is the right word) I know that we will make it through this rough patch financially, faith... I realized that I've got the weight of nothing on my shoulders when compared to this man who is dealing so much and still using kind words and loving actions. He's questioning his entire existence but yet still holding tight the ones that help him exist.

He's amazing.  He's my cheerleader. He's the one the pushes me. He made me a mother. He made me a wife. He's held my hand. He's dried my tears. He IS unconditional love.

Happy New Year

Yesterday I took the day off from work and we had a play day! It snowed all day long this wet snow perfect for a snowman!!! Here are some pics from yesterday.  I hope you have started out your new year being surrounded by love and happiness. This year is what you make of it. Make it great!!

Being postivie

I've always been a positive thinker. My glass is always half full... always. It's sometimes hard to see the positive in an icky situation, but if you look hard enough it's there.

Our life has been turned upside down so many times that I'm not really sure which way is up, sounds so corny, but its so true. I've always managed to find the bright side of our situations, by stepping back and trying to look at the big picture, by trying to find a lesson in all of the crud, or by simply having one of my besties tell me to Let go and Let God. The past month has been kind of an icky month. I say this not to try to get sympathy, but because I want to be honest. Obviously December is a hard month for our family because Logan's Angelversary is on the 2nd so everything already has a bit of a gloom around it. But this year I really felt that Christmas spirit come back to me, which was an absolute blessing and helped me through. But then two weeks ago the mister got fired from his job. Totally blindsided him and us. We were just getting used to having two steady incomes, we were a little too frivolous with our money, didn't save as much as we should have and its honestly freaking me out a little. BUT being positive goes a LONG way! The bright side to this situation? My husband has got to spend some great time with Lexi. Some great daddy daughter time. He's getting to finish some projects around the house. He, himself is looking into being more positive, realizing that he is more negative than he'd like to be. Will all these positives help us pay our bills when our reserves run out, no. Will all these positives make our world a brighter place to be, a sanctuary from all the ick that can surround us, YES.

I know that being positive can be hard when you have nothing but negative surrounding you. It's easy to get sucked into the sad face abyss. It's hard to get out of that abyss. But I've always believed that a smile can start you on your road to being positive. Laughter can take you a step closer to climbing out of that hole. Is it going to magically make everything instantly better, probably not, but what have you got to lose? That frown (oh darn). That pessimistic outlook that everything will go wrong (shutter at that thought). They say it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile... I've found the same thing is true with being negative and angry, it takes way more energy to stay negative and angry than it does to simply be happy.

It's your decision... choose positive.

my dad... part II

Here is the video of my daddy and my little girl... MEMORIES!

Please slow down and appreciate those in your world.

My Dad

I saw a poster that said "The only thing better about you being my Dad is that you are my children's Papa."
Isnt' that the truth? I've said before how incredibly awesome my family is. I know that the heart of our family, the way we are the way we are is because of the love my parents instilled in all of us. It wasn't taught that this is how you love, this is how you show pride in yourself, this is how you help others, it was shown, it was intentional, it was lived every single day, in front of us.
My dad has never been shy about how much he loves his family, his wife, his children, his grandchildren and even those that aren't imediate family, he loves them, out loud. I've never been afraid that my dad doesn't love me. Its a great thing to be able to see a man do this and teach it, without even trying. It takes a strong man to be an openly loving man, especially in the days where it wasn't cool to be. The day that we found out that we lost Logan, Mom and Dad were up to our house within hours. I remember sitting on the floor in the living room, in front of the pellet stove, just staring at the flames, Dad, sitting in a chair next to me, also mesmerized by the flames, tears filling his eyes. He said to me that he didn't understand it all; why it had to happen, what happened... his heart was breaking, no I take that back, his heart was broke. Then he said something to me that I will never ever in a million years forget, 'You know babe, I would take his place in a heartbeat if it meant he could live.'
Wow, those words, so real, so heartbreaking, and I knew that he meant it. The love of a father said in a sentence. I told him to not even say something like that because I need him here with me. Nothing else was said, we went back to staring at the fire, but those words left such a huge impression on my heart, on my world!
Fastforward two years....
So, this year, my parents are celebrating Christmas at our house. It's not a large house, but it's filled with love. It's also filled with a three year old little tornado. She's such a whirlwind of fun and attitude and frustration and smiles. She likes to pretend that she's a princess, she has the dresses, the shoes, the jewelry. We had Christmas music playing in the kitchen and she comes in decked out like a royal princess should be and asked if I wanted to dance. My Dad stands up and tells Lexi that he would love to dance with her. I recorded this on my phone (and if I can figure out how to get it uploaded here you all would get to see it too). I've watched it at least ten times since it happened. Memories are being made. The smile of my dads face is seriously priceless. That is the face of a man who loves his family, openly, honestly and without limits.

Thanks for loving us so great Dad!

Holidays

It's that time of year again!! I had always loved this time of year. The smells of Christmas, the music, the overall feeling of happiness. Well when we lost Logan I lost the spirit of Christmas.  I can honestly say that this year I'm feeling back to my original Christmassy self! I'm more sentimental than I was before but I'm feeling blessed that I have a wonderful family to share this holiday with... even an angel looking over us.
Merry Christmas my dear friends!