Todays lesson

Sometimes everything is fine.
Sometimes you feel that your grip is loosening from everything you've tried so hard to keep together.
Sometimes a blog post, a Facebook status, a Pinterest pin can make you remember things you would rather not. Sometimes that same post can make you cherish the things in your world... imperfecrly perfect. Scraped, bruised and scarred feeling blessed to be traveling this journey.  Feeling at times that you are the only one that's ever been on that journey, traveling where no one else has traveled and then seeing a partial footprint on the road in front of you,  dust on the horizon or maybe even a shadow in front of, next to or even behind you. A glimpse and reminder that you are NEVER alone.
I know that my life is not what I planned and I'm thankful that it isn't.  I'm thankful that the road that I'm traveling my be mine and mine alone, but I know that it intersects with others roads. I know that it travels parallel to others and when I'm in a valley those traveling on mountains can reach down and give me a helping hand up.
Lesson for today.... know that you are not traveling the bumpy road alone. You are given traveling companions... these companions come in many different shapes and sizes; just know that they are there for a reason.  They may need you as much as you need them.

Return to Zero - Local Leader

So... in my quest to do all that I can to raise awareness of pregnancy loss I've become a local leader for the movie Return to Zero. Now, it's not something that I was awarded to do, so I certainly do not deserve any credit... anyone can do it, EVEN YOU!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1jQsys3eU7ZndUgbdMvcDiqrgQPmREFRmb_1kvl0YhWw/viewform?pli=1
This is the form that you can use to become a local leader.

Basically as a local leader you pledge to raise awareness of the movie and get others to pledge to see the film on its opening weekend. An opening weekend hasn't been determined yet, and really is hinged upon the proof of an audience. The ultimate goal is to get 150,000 people pledged to see this movie on opening weekend. With this number of pledges the producers of the movie can prove to the powers that be that this film has an audience, that this story is one that needs to be told.

Wait, you've not heard about the movie Return to Zero? Watch this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Gq7OL-0fs4&feature=youtu.be  Now you know exactly why this is so precious to my heart.

I'm so excited that a movie of this kind has been produced. I'm hoping and praying that this movie is released in theatres. Hopefully by allowing the entire world to see inside of a different world, a world that involves heartache and loss... a world that unfortunately 1 in 4 women live, EVERY DAY!

If you don't want to become a local leader in your area, that is totally fine. Use this form https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform
and indicate that I am your local leader.

I don't have all the information yet, but on the Return to Zero site they do have a pretty great Q&A http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=761

I know that I've said this before and it may sound odd to hear... but I feel so very blessed to be a part of this community. Would I change the fact that I know what this baby loss community is all about? Absolutely... but the fact is, I can't. I can choose to look at the fact that our baby boy is watching down on us and I feel that he would be proud of what we are doing, with the resources we have; connecting with others in this community and trying so hard to break the silence. Trying so hard to make sure that others don't ever have to grieve alone, in silence.

Its a small thing to pledge... but it means the world to this community that has to tiptoe around their pain because its easier for others. It means being able to say openly and honestly that I lost a child, I was seven months pregnant when we discovered that his heart was not beating. I delivered him, the exact same way I did our living daughter... only we didn't hear a sound from him... he didn't open his eyes, he didn't grab our fingers, he was born still. He silently entered this world and until the day I die he will be the reason I am not silent.

With love, and hope and appreciation,

Heather

Women of Joy!

Last weekend I went to the Women of Joy conference with my mom, cousin and some of the women from my cousin's church. To say that the conference was amazing would be an absolute understatement.
I've never really felt comfortable in conversations about Jesus, the Bible or how or what I believe. My statements have always been that I believe in God. I believe in Heaven. I believe that we were created by God to do God's work. But specifics were never something that I got into. I'm not going to say that I am 'comfortable' but I am certainly closer than I have ever been in my entire life.

Let me first go into this saying that I wasn't really sure that I wanted to go to this conference. Not that I didn't want to be around my mom or any of these women, I just thought that I had other better things on my priority list. I could spend the weekend with my hubby, who has been at my parents house again. I could certainly save the money that I would use to buy meals and such to pay bills or spend on other unnecessary items.. but, this was something my mom really wanted to share with me, and we really don't get to spend much one on one time with each other; So I left for mom and dad's house on Thursday night thinking that if nothing else I'll be able to have a little time with my mommy!  Jill Kelly was the first speaker that night. I had never heard of Jill Kelly and probably wouldn't have heard about her if I hadn't gone. Her son, Hunter died of a genetic disorder at 8 and a half. So there, instantly when she started talking about her son dying I was in tears! She said something that really registered with me that I had NEVER thought of before... her son's first words were to God. Her son's first hug, was hugging God. Who better than to raise our children, watch them grow and play than God. AH.MA.ZING...... (right then, I KNEW I was meant to be at this conference)

The rest of the weekend was really wonderful. Liz Curtis Higgs spoke on Saturday (and did part of this rap). Saturday night was a concert from Jeremy Camp. On Sunday Angela Thomas spoke. They were all REALLY good speakers!
I met some really fantastic women. Made some friends. Learned about myself. Learned about God.
I feel blessed and humbled that God thought so much about me to speak to my mom (and to me) to make sure that I attended. He knew who would be speaking when mom registered us LAST YEAR!
I'm making it a goal to start reading the Bible. I'm going to look into some devotional lesson plans.. that will direct me, because right now, if I were to pick up the Bible, I wouldn't really know where to start.

If anyone has any idea of where to get a good guide, please let me know.

Have a great Thursday! (It's snowing here in Kansas... yep, It's May 2nd and SNOWING!)

the past couple of weeks in photos

Sorry I've been MIA recently. Its been pretty busy around these parts. The Mr has been away building things at my parents house, my parents house is AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL, my brother came up to visit, which meant a trip to Lambert's and 30 minute chocolate cake, Lots of cousin playing time, old play dishes, lots of laughs, smiles, hugs and memories, we've had lots of rain (and rainbows), Lexi had her first sleep over.  

  

   

 

Reminders that I am completely blessed in this life.

saying goodbye

I know we've all heard the statement that saying goodbye is never easy. It's true. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things we as humans do. it doesn't have to be about how long we are saying goodbye for, it could be for a day, a week, a month or forever. it doesn't have to be about who we are saying goodbye to, a friend, a sibling, a spouse, a parent, a child. it's the fact that we know that it could be the last time. Those words Good Bye. They are so.... final.

My aunt is in the hospital and not expected to make it. I'll be honest in the fact that I have never been super close to this side of the family, but in my book, family is family, no matter how many times we talk in a year, you are still loved. it still hurts to know that today, in the hospital there is family gathering to say their final goodbyes. Heartbreaking. To know that their end on this earth is coming and we can't do anything about it.

I've read that to pine for Heaven is a good thing. To say that you can't wait to get to Heaven shows how much you love, understand and trust God. I honestly have such a hard time with this. Sure, I know that Heaven will be free from pain and injustice, but selfishly I want those that I love to be here, with me. So I can know that they are okay, or if they aren't okay, I can try to help them be okay. It's a battle I guess; of what I'm not so sure, but it's a battle. Maybe my own mortality? Maybe the fear that everyone I love will eventually leave me and I'll be alone?

So, to my family... I love you. I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. I'm sorry that your goodbye is going to be full of tears and fear and pain. I'm sorry that I can't ease that pain. I do know, however, that she will be going to a better place. She will no longer be in pain. She will be greeted on the other side by those that left before her. She will be waiting on the other side when you make that journey when it is your time.

I'd like to send out a challenge in the universe, to this world wide web of ours... When saying goodbye; don't forget to say I love you, don't forget to squeeze a little tighter when you are giving goodbye hugs and always always always watch them as they leave, wave until you can't see them anymore and say a little prayer that they journey is a safe one.

I hope your weekend is filled with love.

Lexi's cooking corner!

I'm still trying to be a better parent. Isn't that what all parents say? I'm trying to be a better parent. I'm trying to be more intentional with my child. The words are easy to say, the doing it is the hard part. Realizing that the floor can be swept later, the dishes can be done later. That load of laundry will be there tomorrow (and if I'm being completly honest, if its in the dryer, I'd probably turn it on again anyway because I don't know that I own an iron, but I don't like wrinkly clothes).

Last night Lexi and I made pizzas for dinner. I went and bought the premade crusts, the pizza sauce and the toppings after work and so when we got home we went into the pizza making business!

She had so much fun doing making it herself.  She put on the sauce, cheese, carrots (because we had to get some extra veggies in), pepperoni and hotdogs (on hers, not mine) all by herself. It was hard, but I restrained from telling her it was 'too much, too much, too much' or 'oh, you missed a spot' or 'why don't you put it on like this'. I didn't realize how much of a control freak I was until this little bundle came into our world!

See, I told you, carrots on the pizza. You totally could not taste them, I simply took some baby carrots and used our fine shredder so it was just part of it. I got NO complaints, or weird looks when I suggested carrots. She even grated a carrot, the entire time I kept repeating, "Go Slow, be careful". Those things are sharp!!! 

 She just makes my heart so incredibly happy. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her mommy!

Hope you all have a fantastic day full of love!

Try to do something fun with your kiddos, something that they can remember for years to come.

Don't let me forget

I never want to forget some of the amazing things that are happening in the world of our little girl.

Lexi is 3 and almost 1/2 years old. She has this ability to make you laugh and make you angry all in about 5 seconds!

She argues about most things, unless it's her idea (true girl!).
This morning as I was getting ready for work she stumbles into the bathroom, climbs on top of the toilet base and tells me that these (her eye lashes) are her eye brows. So, I so "Nope, bug, those are your" and she interrupts me with a growl and says "NO MOM, these are my eye brows" so I finally get to tell her that those are her eye lashes and the ones above those are her eye brows.. again, a growl with an argument, but as I finish blow drying my hair she says with total conviction that 'these( her eyebrows) are her eyebrows, duh, I told you mom!' Really?!?! She's only three!!

Some of her favorite things to say are:
Lasterday (for anything that happened in the past) "Lasterday was my Birthday."
Saturday is by far her favorite day of the week to talk about, EVERYTHING is on Saturday. "Jillian's birthday is on Saturday" "Balentine's (Valentine's) is on Saturday, Mommy?"
I just fine.- This is one that she says quite a bit when she's being told to not do something or stop doing something. She also uses this for when we are getting on the dog, "Mom, Daisy's just fine"

She is really into cuddling right now. I don't mind that one, but it's hard to sit on a couch all day long and watch Disney movies when you've got dishes and laundry to do, sweeping, mopping all of the household chores. I'm trying to make a better effort of sitting down and cuddling with her. I try to remember that she is only this age once, I better embrace it!   

Also, another thing we've talked about a little is her baby brother Logan. She kept talking about her sisters. I have always corrected her and told her that she doesn't have sisters, but she has a baby brother Logan. She had never really questioned it until this last month. So, I explained that Logan was in mommys tummy and he died and went to heaven. Instantly, her eyes got huge and was like "aaaahhhhggg Mommy I told you don't eat my baby brother Logan." Wow, what did I get myself into. So I tried to explain that babys grow in mommys tummys before they crawl and walk and talk and that I didn't eat her baby brother Logan. I'm not sure that it really got through but she kind of dropped the subject. The next day I'm getting ready for work and she says, "Mommy, I no have sisters I have a brother Logan?" So I say yes and I ask her where he is, 'your tummy!!" oh geeze, the rumors that could get started!! So, I again sit down and explain to her that Logan isn't in my tummy anymore that he was born and he went to Heaven. She walked away and again I thought the subject was dropped. She then walks into my room with her rain boots on and asks if her lady bug boots are okay for Heaven. What do you say to that????!?!?!? I simply told her she could wear whatever she wanted to Heaven but to please wait for a long long time... I know that we will have MANY more conversations about Logan and him being in Heaven.. I just hope I'm better prepared for that!!