a day of remembering

This past Sunday was A Day of Remembering. A sort of spin off of A Walk to Remember. Basically we didn't have the funds to do an entire walk so instead we gathered and remembered our babies, released balloons and spent time with others who 'get' it.

It was a beautiful day, the sun shined for most of the day, it was windy, but I think that is what you get for a 78 degree day towards the end of October.

I said another speech this year and woohoo for me, I got through most of it without crying!! I rock.. i know... ehem moving on... I'll go ahead and post my speech, because I think it's important for others to know that moving forward is possible... moving forward with the heartache and pain to find who we were meant to be.

Loss

One of the dictionaries definitions of loss is: the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had. It is such a matter of fact statement. You had it, now you don’t. As we gather today once more to remember our loss, we all unite under this one word. LOSS. The loss of our child, grandchild, brother, sister, niece, nephew, etc can be vastly different, but the one thing that remains the same is that we are all suffering heart break because that child isn’t here with us. We don’t get to see them every day; we don’t get to hug them. We don’t get to celebrate milestones and this loss doesn’t go away, we learn to cope. We learn to live with this loss.

It’s amazing how this one word can envelope so many emotions. It’s amazing how the word loss has a different meaning now that this word is part of who you are. It’s amazing how this word can change every single thing about who you thought you were, who you thought you’d be. LIFE CHANGING.

Something that I’ve learned over the past two years is that the grief of losing a child comes in waves. Initially you are grieving your child, the physical and painful loss of that child. Going through the motions of memorializing your child, whether that be by a funeral, memorial service, creating keepsakes however that happened that helped to solidify the loss. Then you go home, the home that was prepared for the upcoming arrival. The memories of preparing a room, registering at a store for your baby shower, even the bathroom that you took your pregnancy test in filled with hope and excitement; those are things that you grieve too. Only then, you are grieving the HOPE you had for your baby. Then you go a couple months down the road and you begin to think about the exciting things that should be happening with your 3 month old, then with your 6 month old, then with your 9 month old and then a new grief begins. A grief that happens almost daily, never letting up and reminding you that someone is missing. Every “should have been” milestone hurts in a place that you didn’t know could hurt.

But then, somewhere in this hurt comes strength. A strength that you didn’t know you had. A strength that helps you look at your situation and know that you must keep living life. A strength that helps you put one foot in front of another and begin to enjoy things again, and not feel guilty. I think that is where I am in my journey. I’m moving forward, not moving on, I couldn’t move on because that indicates that I’ve chosen to forget, Logan will never be forgotten. I am moving forward knowing that I am a better person, a stronger person. I know the direction I want to take my life, all because of a little baby boy name Logan Joseph Clear. I think this stage comes at different times for different people. Some get to this point faster than I did, some get here later, and that’s okay. Everyone grieves differently. Everyone has their own way of wading through the tears and heartache. The important thing is to find a way to move forward, with the aches, with the heartbreak, with the little reminders. They help you to find the person who you were meant to be.

(the back of Lexi's shirt - this year we got them so they could be personalized)

We are already working on next years event. We will be doing a walk, towards the middle of October. Probably at Shawnee Mission Park again... it just feels like its a place that is made for healing!

I'll also be taking donations (www.awalktoremember.bbnow.org)  throughout the year for next years event and hopefully I'll be a little closer to being a 501c3 non profit organization.

I can't say thank you enough to some very special people... and you know who you are :)

 

Much love my friends...