Loss

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day, October 15th. A day that before December 2nd, 2010 meant absolutely nothing to me, other than it was the day before my daughters birthday. Now, this day means so much that it is almost too hard to quantify with words. As I sit here in the dark struggling to put my thoughts onto this blank computer screen I can't help but think about the other parents, grandparents, siblings, friends who are remembering today. Remembering a baby that held importance in their life, continue to do so, yet aren't physically here. I pray that those remembering today know that this community is a unique one. We all joined this loss community with a jostle, with a very abruptness that took our breaths away. It could have been the words, "I'm sorry there is no heart beat", "I'm sorry, we tried to save your baby, but couldn't" it could have been natures calling, the start of a bleed that wouldn't stop, contractions and dialations that couldn't be reversed. All I know that within this unique and heartbreaking community I have found hope. I have found understanding, unwaivering support and above all I've found love. Love is the one thing that truly binds us all, even outside of this loss community, everyone LOVES. Its hard to explain the love you can have for someone you barely got to know (if at all). These children are a part of us. Always have been, always will be. The love that comes from these losses is a strong love, heartwrenching, but strong. Everyday I struggle with that balance of stong love and heartbreak, some days they live together, other days one wins out over the other. And, something that is even harder to explain is the continuance of living my life while having these two emotions tugging and pulling, all the while still loving my family and friends the best I can. Its hard, almost exhausting some days... but at the end of the day I know that I've done the best I could and besided bringing Logan back, I wouldn't change a thing. This year has been a huge year for awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. The movie Return to Zero came out on Lifetime and reached millions of people. I've seen on Facebook so many different people reaching out, grieving out loud and showing the world that this community is here, open and willing to help. Just today alone I saw pictures of places in NY tht illuminated their bridge blue and pink for awareness, Niagra Falls did the same thing. Its reassuring to know that others are standing up and taking notice. Realizing that every day this type of loss happens. There is no prejudice against who loses a child, it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere. I do want to acknowledge that I could not be where I am today without those people who supported me and allowed me to be who I needed to be to get through some of the hardest days of my life. I was allowed to be bitchy, and angry, and spiteful and sad and grief stricken. I was allowed to talk about nothing but the loss of my son. I was also reminded that I have a beautiful daughter and even though she couldn't take the pain away, she could help me move on. I was reminded that I have a belief in God and how I WILL see Logan again. I was reminded that when you find those people, you hold on to them, tightly. I also want to acknowledge those people who tried to be there for me, but I pushed them away. I don't know why I pushed some away and gathered others closer, but I do know that I did that. Grief is a weird thing... no one grieves the same way, ever... different losses warrent different grief processes.... I'm just glad that most of those relationships that got stronger becuase of grief and those that struggled through my grief are still around. In the end my words don't mean a ton. Its showing up, its doing and its staying for as long as it takes. Loss in a word SUCKS. I'm going to end this by saying that I'm glad we have these days set aside to raise awareness, but I encourage everyone to remember every day. If you are reading this, you know me... you know my story and you know that I remember every day. H