Dear Alexandria

Dear Alexandria


It’s 11:09 pm on November 12, 2012. You are sound asleep in your bed, snuggled up with two books, Winnie the Pooh and a book about lady bugs, with two pillows on your bed, neither of which have a pillow case (because like your Daddy, you hate pillow cases) you’ve got snowmen and Christmas tree flannel sheets on your bed with a red throw over the top of you. Your fan is turned on low (or low low low like you say it) your fishie tank light is on, despite me turning it off before I said goodnight to you for the last time, your new pink Christmas tree is plugged in as well so your room looks like it’s the middle of some spectacularly colorful day.

I was getting ready to go to sleep when on my way into my room I glanced over to make sure you were covered up and to make sure your neck wasn’t in too awkward of a position and then I was struck with the absolutely wonderful thought… You are mine! I get to snuggle you every single day, even on days that you drive me nuts, you also melt my heart with huggies and kissys before you go to sleep. With the ‘g’night, love you, see you morrow’ that I always here in return as I’ve said the same thing to you on my way out your door. You are absolutely beautiful. You have such a caring and sweet soul about you. You stick up for those that you love, even if it is when mommy and daddy are playing around, or we get onto the dog about something… you understand unconditional love, you understand that family is the most important. You have made me strive to be a better person, to love better, to stop and truly listen with my heart instead of my head. Because of your beautiful soul I have found how I want to be when I grow up.

You have this amazing thing about you that you can make us laugh, even when we are crazy mad with you… most recently you’ve started doing this thing with your eyebrows…. Looking all serious with your brows furrowed and then break into this smile with your eyebrows way up… then you try to go back and forth really really fast, you always crack yourself up… and of course we can’t help but laugh too. You have a mouth on you girl… You are learning it from us, which means we may want to start a swear jar!!! You’ve been saying dammit recently, not really loud, under your breath, very discreet.. at first I didn’t know what you were saying until I stopped and paid attention.. You were playing a game and tapping on it and I don’t know if you hit the wrong thing, but all of a sudden you go ‘ugh, dammit’ slightly above a whisper. It totally caught me off guard, but I couldn’t help but laugh, so now you think it’s funny (which it is, but I’ve got to be the grown up, right?!!?) And then tonight on the way home you said I looked pretty, for no reason, but to just say it. You say bless you every time you hear someone sneeze… and you have such an attitude… ‘I just don’t care’ is another one of your favorite expressions right now (hoping that this passes very very soon!!.

Anyway baby girl. I wanted to take some time and focus in on you, how much I love your wide green eyes (daddy thinks they are more like his, but I think they are all your own) you’ve got this amazing infectious smile and this belly laugh that brings a smile to everyone’s face. And even right this moment, as you are snuggled in your bed you make my heart swell with love, and with appreciation. I thank God every single day that he chose me to be your mom.

I love you buggie!

-Mom

pictures!!!

So, Jack over at Reflections Digital Photography took pictures for us on Sunday at A Day of Remembering. It was such a beautiful day. I'm just going to give you some sneak previews... he should have the pictures up sometime this weekend if you want to look at them. He does great work! And I'm not just saying that because he's a family friend!! :) Take a look for yourself by clicking the linky up above!

hope your weekend is filled with love and blessings!



a day of remembering

This past Sunday was A Day of Remembering. A sort of spin off of A Walk to Remember. Basically we didn't have the funds to do an entire walk so instead we gathered and remembered our babies, released balloons and spent time with others who 'get' it.

It was a beautiful day, the sun shined for most of the day, it was windy, but I think that is what you get for a 78 degree day towards the end of October.

I said another speech this year and woohoo for me, I got through most of it without crying!! I rock.. i know... ehem moving on... I'll go ahead and post my speech, because I think it's important for others to know that moving forward is possible... moving forward with the heartache and pain to find who we were meant to be.

Loss

One of the dictionaries definitions of loss is: the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had. It is such a matter of fact statement. You had it, now you don’t. As we gather today once more to remember our loss, we all unite under this one word. LOSS. The loss of our child, grandchild, brother, sister, niece, nephew, etc can be vastly different, but the one thing that remains the same is that we are all suffering heart break because that child isn’t here with us. We don’t get to see them every day; we don’t get to hug them. We don’t get to celebrate milestones and this loss doesn’t go away, we learn to cope. We learn to live with this loss.

It’s amazing how this one word can envelope so many emotions. It’s amazing how the word loss has a different meaning now that this word is part of who you are. It’s amazing how this word can change every single thing about who you thought you were, who you thought you’d be. LIFE CHANGING.

Something that I’ve learned over the past two years is that the grief of losing a child comes in waves. Initially you are grieving your child, the physical and painful loss of that child. Going through the motions of memorializing your child, whether that be by a funeral, memorial service, creating keepsakes however that happened that helped to solidify the loss. Then you go home, the home that was prepared for the upcoming arrival. The memories of preparing a room, registering at a store for your baby shower, even the bathroom that you took your pregnancy test in filled with hope and excitement; those are things that you grieve too. Only then, you are grieving the HOPE you had for your baby. Then you go a couple months down the road and you begin to think about the exciting things that should be happening with your 3 month old, then with your 6 month old, then with your 9 month old and then a new grief begins. A grief that happens almost daily, never letting up and reminding you that someone is missing. Every “should have been” milestone hurts in a place that you didn’t know could hurt.

But then, somewhere in this hurt comes strength. A strength that you didn’t know you had. A strength that helps you look at your situation and know that you must keep living life. A strength that helps you put one foot in front of another and begin to enjoy things again, and not feel guilty. I think that is where I am in my journey. I’m moving forward, not moving on, I couldn’t move on because that indicates that I’ve chosen to forget, Logan will never be forgotten. I am moving forward knowing that I am a better person, a stronger person. I know the direction I want to take my life, all because of a little baby boy name Logan Joseph Clear. I think this stage comes at different times for different people. Some get to this point faster than I did, some get here later, and that’s okay. Everyone grieves differently. Everyone has their own way of wading through the tears and heartache. The important thing is to find a way to move forward, with the aches, with the heartbreak, with the little reminders. They help you to find the person who you were meant to be.

(the back of Lexi's shirt - this year we got them so they could be personalized)

We are already working on next years event. We will be doing a walk, towards the middle of October. Probably at Shawnee Mission Park again... it just feels like its a place that is made for healing!

I'll also be taking donations (www.awalktoremember.bbnow.org)  throughout the year for next years event and hopefully I'll be a little closer to being a 501c3 non profit organization.

I can't say thank you enough to some very special people... and you know who you are :)

 

Much love my friends... 

a day of remembering

It's happening folks! We are going to have a balloon releasing in honor of October being pregnancy loss and awareness month. It will be on October 21st. Coco McAtee has been amazing over at Overland Park Regional in helping to get the word out... make sure you do to!
Here is the website!

http://awalktoremember.bbnow.org/

Love to all!

guilt

I’ll be honest. Here recently I’ve felt guilty. I’ve felt that I’ve let down my little boy down. When Logan died I knew that there was a purpose. One that, possibly, I made up, to make me feel better or to make the reason he died concrete instead of he just did. Maybe it was divinely given to me. Maybe it has made me feel better that because of Logan I feel that I have a purpose; to share his story. To help others going through the same thing that we did. To make sure others knew they weren’t alone. I’ve really questioned how easily I came to the conclusion that it was ‘okay’ that Logan died because of these reasons… Is it God’s grace that I’ve allowed myself to move forward? Is it ignorance? Is it stupidity? I really don’t know. But I’m thankful.



I find myself feeling guilty for many different reasons. One is that I’m not doing the walk this year. Seriously breaks my heart, but with the cost of all of the things I just can’t afford to do it. It scares me that if I skip this year that it won’t be nearly as important to others next year. That’s something that I just have to pray about and trust that God will provide. Another reason I feel guilty is that I feel that I’m coping much better with losing Logan than Mr. Clear is. I know that everyone grieves differently in different timelines and in different ways, but I’m afraid that I need to hold myself back or I’m going to get frustrated, I just have to remember that we all deal with loss differently. Another reason I feel guilty, and this one is as backwards as can be, every time I tell my story about Logan, or offer myself to someone who has suffered a loss, every time I make known that I’ve lost a child, I feel guilty that I may be shattering the dreams of a pregnant soon to be mom. I know that when I was pregnant with Lexi there were people that had lost babies to miscarriage and I just simply didn’t want to hear it, so I ignored them. I somehow feel guilty about being so open about our loss. Backwards? I think so!



Guilt is so strange. It shows you where you are weak, it shows you where you are strong, but it’s something that we have to allow God to give us grace with as well. I am working on praying more about my guilt issues. I pray that God gives me the grace to forgive myself for feeling guilty. I pray that God will show us all the grace for feeling guilt.

mom, Mom, MOM, MOOOOOMMMMMM

Every night on the way home that is what I hear. I get so frustrated because she obviously wants something that I can’t or won’t give her. And it often makes me wonder if I am a good mom. I know that there are areas where I am absolutely terrible, there are areas where I feel like I am fair, but there really isn’t  one thing that I can say that I am absolutely positively awesome at… and that isn’t fair to Lexi.

Johnny and I have been blessed with Alexandria, our first born, our only living child and I feel that we are doing her a huge disservice by not being the absolute best parents that we can be. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that our actions right now are developing who she will be when she grows up. How Johnny and I act towards each other is laying the groundwork for what she will believe is how a relationship should work. Every step we take effects her life, currently and in the future. I often wonder if God underestimated the type of parents we would be when he blessed us with Lexi.

Don’t get me wrong. Lexi is such an awesome kiddo, really she is, full of spunk and life and energy. Full of attitude and knowing what she wants and determination that when she hears no, she hears maybe (yes aunt Wendy, she’s no doubt an orange!!!). But that same spunk and attitude can wear on me like no ones business. Sometimes I just think that I won’t be able to take one more thing from her. And then she gives me a hug and tells me she loves me and the world makes sense again… until about 5 seconds later when she tells me ‘I SAID NO’ and runs off pouting…

I guess the point of this post is to say that I know I should be a better parent, I don’t want to be a parent that is just good enough. I want to be the best parent. I want to be the parent that Lexi deserves. I guess that takes time and patience and understanding and love…

Dear Lord, please help me find the patience that you have obviously instilled in me, please help me find the calmness in the midst of the attitude storms. Please help me be the parent you have visioned.

Lexi, when you get older and read this, please know that your Daddy and I have done the best we can and hopefully we get better and better by the day. We love you!

The past couple of months

I know that I haven’t posted since the ‘One year ago today” posts.. Those were really hard to write. Hard to go back and read, but they were truth, they were raw emotion, they were what my mind goes through on a daily basis.

I will say that life has gotten easier with time. Losing Logan is something that changed me forever. I will always think of Logan. No matter where I’m at, no matter what I’m doing, he’s always there, waiting to be mentioned. I know that it can make some people uncomfortable talking about my son that is dead, but it is so true that I think about him as much as I think about Lexi. All the time, every day. It’s not gut wrenching sadness and pain anymore.. don’t get me wrong there are totally those days that I need a good cry because I miss what should have been, I miss the fact that I should have an almost one year old. That on the 21st of this month that we should be celebrating Logan’s first year of life. But sadly that day will pass with birthday party, with no candles being blown out, with no one year old with blue frosting smeared all over his face. Maybe that happens in Heaven. Maybe on December 2nd Logan had a blow out party for being in Heaven for a year.. I’ll find out one day.

My Grandpa died last month, in January. He fell and broke his hip the weekend of Thanksgiving and went to a skilled nursing unit and developed a really bad infection and died. In my opinion he shouldn’t have died. It’s such a shame that the hospital took such poor care of him that he couldn’t live out the next 5 or so years he had left. He will be missed, he IS missed. He had a good life, a long life, saw so many things that I will never ever know about. He and my Grandma had been married for 65 years! That’s a lot of love to be together for that long. I only hope that Johnny and I can be together for that long… and not hurt each other!

Johnny, Lexi and I are buying a house! Hopefully we will be closing the end of this month.. and at that time I’ll post pictures… its so exciting, but so scary at the same time.. I mean are we really grown up enough to own a home?!?!?

I promise I'll try to post more frequently!

-Heather