2018

WOW! How can I even begin to describe how big of a year 2018 was?
It was a year of a lot of first, a lot of lasts and a whole lot of life in between.
It was a year that we lost Dad. It was a year that we had a lot of firsts without him. It taught us how absolutely amazing our family is. It taught us that standing by each other and giving each other strength is the eye of defeat is what we do best. It reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed to have the family and friends that I do. It reminded me that my heart is always a bit torn, always missing pieces, but those tears, rips and scars are where the real love is.

We celebrated Savannah's first birthday. Our last kids, last first birthday. We celebrated last first steps, last first words. So bittersweet. Savannah is such an amazing little baby. She is happy all the time and, by no fault of her own, has become a camera hog!

Lexi went from being a second grader to being a third grader. I REMEMBER my third grade year. The memories she is making, this very instant are things she will remember until she is old and gray! Again, amazing yet bittersweet - I'll need a reminder in 6 months that she is only this age once and allow her to be a kid, allow her to form her personality, allow her to become who she is meant to be. We also started posting make up tutorials that Lexi has been doing. I'm so excited for her to look back at those videos and know that she was amazing!

Johnny has made such a huge footprint in our lives this year, even more than the one that was already there. With the passing of Dad, Johnny stepped up - big time! He's helped with some of the most stressful, disheartening and frustrating situations, but he has also remembered to be kind and thoughtful and loving. We've been stressed as a couple - but he has stuck it through. Seriously on days when I'm thinking there is no way out - he is there, with a flashlight, guiding our way.

I started a business with dreams for the future. I've been able to create again and it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I have a purpose and excited about creating more. I've grown as a person, more than I honestly wanted too. I've had to learn how to live without my Daddy. I've had to relearn grieving. I've learned how to be a mom of two kiddos here on earth with another one looking down on us from Heaven. I've had to learn, am still learning, how to navigate a new new normal. I've rediscovered my husband. I've left some people behind - some drifted away without much thought, others the void was/is felt. Growth is never easy, but its needed.

As we start 2019 I wanted to just jot down things about 2018. I would love to say good riddance to 2018 - it was SO VERY PAINFUL, but it was also SO VERY BEAUTIFUL. We can't become who we are supposed to be without the pain. I'm looking forward to 2019 to be a year of resurgence, a year of many more blessings, a year where I can be proud of the person I am and proud of the person I'm becoming. A year that I can teach my daughters that it is okay to break out of the box. A year that we can all embrace who we are and who we are supposed to be. A year with no judgment, only being embraced.

I have really decided on a single word for 2019, but a direction in which i think i will head. Maybe I'll find the word along the way, but maybe it will find me.

Thank you 2018 for the tears, thank you for the growth and thank you for making way for a better 2019.

Shiny Spirit

I was told yesterday that my spirit shines bright. I really really hope it does. I've always wanted to be a person who helped others to see the positive in things, to be the shower of the silver linings, to lift others up so their spirits could shine as bright as the sun.


I strive every day to be a positive person. Let me tell you, the past month has been HARD. Like as hard as it was when we lost Logan. Feeling lost as a person, not knowing what direction I should head or how to smile, but you know what... I did it. I had friends and family who helped me, guided me, allowed me to be who I was - even when it wasn't such a great version of myself.


I won't lie and say that having a sunny, positive disposition is easy, it isn't always easy, but its a choice. A choice that you can make every single morning when you wake up, every single time you encounter an obstacle, every step you take - you can either take it grumbling about needing new shoes, or you can be thankful that you have shoes to walk in...


My challenge to you today friends, choose to be happy, choose to find the joy in the everyday, choose to see that silver lining - no one can make that choice for you, It's all up to you.


Love -
Heather

Young Living June Promos

So, I think I told you all in a couple posts back that I've joined Young Living as an independent distributor. There is an amazing amount of wellness that can be obtained from consistently using essential oils.
Every month Young Living has promotional items that you can get FOR FREE... can I get an AMEN?! You can get even more oils for free if you join as a member and hop on board with Essential Rewards as well. Essential Rewards is just like any other subscription box that you sign up for. The minimum amount you purchase each month is $50, you earn points towards more free product, get flat shipping rates and at the $100 mark you start earning those free products!


So, with no further ado, here is the June Promo!

Orange vitality (ER Exclusive) 5ml: Rich in Limonene, orange oil is an immune supporting vitality that everyone loves! We like to put a drop on our toothpaste - hello whiter teeth!

Citronella  15ml: ummmmm bug-b-gone - nuff said - I made my own bug repellant spray this weekend and will be diffusing this the next time we decide to have dinner outside!

Cypress 15ml (ER exclusive): There is so so much I could say about this oil, but to remain compliant - google Cypress oil! This oil helps improve circulation (cankles be gone!) P.S. Lucy Libido says that this is a fireworks oil - again google will help with understanding what that means!

Lavender 15ml: What can't you use this oil for is the real question! Great on skin issues, great for calming, great for sleep, bike wrecks need Lavender - just sayin!

Lemongrass 15ml: I just got Lemongrass last month and LOVE it! its very refreshing! Make your own air freshner with this one, you won't regret it! I have a friend who puts it on their dryer balls and I think I'm going to try it too!

M-Grain 15ml: Read the name.... its gonna tell you what it helps with! I've never used it, but have heard great things about it - a blend of Basil, Lavender, Marjoram, Roman Chamomile and Helichrysum.

Roman Chamomile 5ml: Y'all, this oil has been gone since early in 2017! This oils has been used for centuries by mamas to calm crying and fussy babies (and maybe a drop or two for mama). I've read that it is great at stress relieving and helps promote a restful night of sleep!

If you want to be part of the oils community with me, click on the Young Living page above and it will tell you how to sign up as a member (hello 24% off on all purchases)

If you ever have any questions, I'm here to help. I don't promise to know all about oils, shoot, i don't promise to know a lot about oils, but the beauty of it all - we can learn together!

If you have an oil or two that you would like to try but aren't quite ready to jump on the oily train (seriously why not though?!) contact me and I can put an oil or two on my order for you!

Happy oiling friends and remember, to treat each other right and love on those you love.

Heather



Daddy

My Dad passed away on the 24th of May. Its hard... like really hard.


I've seen a meme that mentions grief being like the ocean, waves of grief come over you and feel overwhelming where you can hardly breathe, you survive the surge and finally catch your breath and feel okay only to have another huge wave of grief wash over you - that's where I'm at.


It feels super surreal sometimes. Like he's still at home and will be sitting at the kitchen table. He'll say "Hey Babe" as I walk in the room and go over to give him a hug. He'll ask me what I know and I'll jokingly say 'not much' and we both chuckle.


We knew that Dad's time with us was limited. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in December of 2016 - the same month I found out that we were pregnant with Savannah. He went through treatments and actually had great response, with tumors shrinking, he had very little sickness. The doctors gave him 6 months to live - He sure showed them! With his great response to treatment I think we all thought that he was going to live much much longer than everyone expected. Then he had a heart attack - a total shocker to all of us. This was the begin of his decline.


I worked in a cancer center for many many years as a financial advisor, going over insurance benefits with patients as they faced this scary disease. Everyone always spoke about quality of life versus quantity of life and I thought I understood what that looked like. When patients would stop treatment and start living the life they had left. It was bittersweet, they knew their end was near and they wanted to enjoy it. After the heart attack dad's quality of life declined A TON. It was so hard seeing a man so capable, so independent become a man who had to rely on others to help him do every day normal things.


His birthday was the 20th, 4 days before he passed. I yelled at him and told him that he had to make a choice to either want to live or giving up. He told me he wanted to live and that he would try - God had other plans.


He passed with a room full of family, my sister and I were holding his hands and mom was hugging him. A beautiful passing for a beautiful man.


Fly high Daddy!
I expect you to be building a tear drop camper,  building an epic go kart and teaching Logan all the things in that great big bard in Heaven.


It certainly isn't good bye, it's only a see you later.

 

My family - post from 2015

This was a post that I started and didn't post... #WHY?! So here it is, enjoy my #throwbackthursday all the way from summer of 2015. and I know that I am still one very blessed person!


I am one blessed chick. I mean seriously BLESSED!



This past weekend I got to spend it with my siblings and my parents (and Lexi too!).

We laughed about so many things, we broke out in random songs, we reconnected on a level that we haven't been able to do in such a long time and it was sooo good for this heart of mine!

I know that my family seems to be a rare bunch, yes we are crazy, but we actually truly LIKE each other. We want to spend time with each other. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't talk to my mom, text one of my siblings or tag one of them on a Facebook post. Sure we get annoyed with each other, but at the end of the day, we know that family is important. We would rather gather around a kitchen table until 2 o'clock on the morning playing progressive rummy, eating thirty minute chocolate cake and trying to convince mom to get on a plane than most anything else.

I encourage anyone who reads this to just pick up the phone, call someone you love and tell them that you do. Make an effort to visit longer than necessary. Reconnect and share your world with them - even if you are 5 states away. Family is important and fun and is honestly one of God's greatest gifts he could have given us.

P.S. We got a selfie stick and decided that it was THE best way to take most pictures!!! I don't care if we are all over the age of 30 - it was still fun!

Enjoy the pics, and I'm serious make that phone call, you won't regret it!

Life recently - December 2017 version

WOW WOW WOW – has life changed around these parts?!

In September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Savannah, our rainbow baby. My heart is so full of love and appreciation and gratitude and RELIEF… honestly, it was a hard pregnancy. I was sick for a good portion of it, but that really wasn’t the hard part. The fear of something happening at every step of the way was the super hard part.

I had weekly sonograms which helped our journey be not so scary, but I’ll be honest, the 6 days in between sonos felt like forever! No one talks about how scary a pregnancy after loss can be, but MAN, remind me to do a blog post about all that in the future!

Lexi is a super proud big sister and is super helpful, if not annoyingly so… I know, I know, I should be super thankful and I am, but sometimes I want to say – PUT THE BABY DOWN!

I’ve started a side business with Young Living Essential Oils. They are changing my world! So many toxins in so many products we use on the daily. Slowly but surely I’m switching those out and would LOVE to help anyone wanting to do the same! A simple switch and ditch, dryer balls for dryer sheets!! Put a couple drops of Purification oil on a couple balls and you are set! Without all those yucky chemicals in the dryer sheets. Google it, I promise it will make you think twice before throwing a sheet or two in next time you do laundry.

We’ve had some health scares with other members of my family, but for right now we are all trucking along, doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.

Logan’s Angelversary was yesterday. We sang Happy Birthday to him over a Reece’s Peanut Butter cup (daddy’s choice), we split it and each had a piece. We love and miss him every single day. I honestly feel like I’ve done such an injustice to his legacy the past couple of years. Hopefully this coming year I’ll get back on track and work on getting rid of the taboo surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

Just wanted to hop back on and say HEY.

I promise I’ll be around here more often. I have many things that have been bottled up – time to start sharing again!

Heather

Worth it

I made this, this past weekend.. its kind of wonky but it feels right. We are all a little off, a little broken and misshapen, the world makes us this way. Giving us heartaches and leaving us with unanswered questions. It's hard to have faith sometimes, especially when you are angry and confused.

He never said it would be easy but it would be worth it...

Making Room

We were driving down the road the other day and Lexi pointed out all the birds on the power lines, there had to be at least a hundred just perched on the lines as content as can be. Surrounding them were probably 10-15 more birds flying around, and when one of them needed to land all the other birds perched on the lines would scoot over. They would make room for that bird who needed to rest. Lexi thought that was the coolest thing and said "Mommy those birds are being so nice and thoughtful scooting over for the other birdies!"

Why can't we all be like these birds? Why can't we all scoot over, just a little, to make room for those around us who need to rest?

I fear we are too hard and callous and self absorbed to not even notice when someone appears to need some time just resting.

 My challenge to you today is to slow down. Notice others. Listen, not only with your ears, but with your heart. Pay attention to not only the words they are saying, but the words they aren't saying, look at their body language and if YOU feel like something isn't quite right... offer them some rest. Offer to be that sounding board they may need, offer a hug, offer some coffee, let them know that if they need a safe place to rest, you will happily scoot over and share what you have.

Let's take a lesson from the birds and scoot over and make room for others...

H

A little Bing in November

I'm already in full "ready for Christmas" mode. Yes, I know that it is still the first week of November, but really, I've always been a fan for the way Christmas makes me feel.

I was really afraid that I would never get back to this point. I know that the holiday season will always feel a little bittersweet, but I can honestly say that this year I'm ready for the holly jolly moments, putting up the tree and celebrating with my family.

So, please excuse me while I jam out to some Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. I'm enjoying the fact that I've found my way back to being able to fully enjoy it.

Never let me forget - Frozen addition

Today Lexi and I went on a surprise mommy daughter date with friends. We went and say Frozen on Ice. Neither of the girls knew where we were going until we walked into the Sprint Center. IT WAS AMAZING!!

Never let me forget the look of wonderment on Lexi's face when the snow started to fall.






















Never let me forget Lexi dancing and singing along with nearly every song.

 

Never let me forget the giggles from the back of the car on the way to and from Frozen.


















Never let me forget that Lexi wanted to buy a best friends necklace and gave me the other half of the heart.

Never let me forget that she got a little upset when I told her that she wasn't going to school -- she wanted to go to gym class.

  

Never let me forget about a friend that has stuck by my side even when it was really hard, she accepted an apology that was extremely overdue and is continually putting so much effort into our friendship -- and I get to do this Mom thing with her.

 

 

Off to put Miss Lexi to sleep after a very full day!

What are things that you never want to forget?

Crumbling walls

What do you do? When the walls that you've built up around you begin to crumble? Do you rebuild them? Do you stop and wonder why they are there? Why did you build these walls? Were they for 'protection'? Did you feel safer knowing that these  walls were there? What purpose do these walls serve? And maybe the most important question is do you still feel like those walls belong?

I'd like to say that I don't have walls built up, but I do.. I think everyone does.At one time or another you felt hurt and scared and built the walls because you really had no idea what else to do. Over time the walls started to become part of your foundation. Part of 'who you are'... I'm only saying this because I know its true for me.

I don't know exactly why those walls are still up, and honestly I don't know what happened to make me build them. The hurt and pain have moved on, or I've found my new normal and so it doesn't hurt so much that I feel I need protection. But what is interesting is when someone bumps up against this wall you feel it, like really deep down, in your heart of hearts FEEL that they've hit this barrier. You can't let them any closer, they can't penetrate the wall! (even if you want them to)

Self protection is an interesting concept.

 I'd like to hope, think, pray that the walls that we've all built will one day fall apart. That we don't feel we have to protect ourselves from others. In a world where there is no intentional hurt and the word sorry is commonly said and that it actually means something.

Challenge: Allow your walls to crumble a little. Test it out. See if the tiny cracks that are formed hurt or if they allow you to feel something you haven't felt in a long time, maybe that feeling is good. If you have to, rebuild, reinforce and put up big shiney lights so others won't bump into your walls, but hopefully you'll find that some of these cracks are okay to have.
My walls have cracks that I don't think I'm going to fix... perfect walls don't mean anything if you can't feel anything.

H

Finding your place

You hear all the time about finding your place in the world. I've always thought that when you reach this place that you'd know. Deep down in some secret place you would feel calm with everything and KNOW that you had made it.

I don't know that I've ever really 'found my place' in this world - should I be worried? I have a very strong belief that I have discovered, by way of heartbreak, part of my purpose in this world, but deep down I don't feel like its my only purpose or where my 'place' is.

That got me thinking - what if that 'place' is a constant moving target? What if one day you can feel all settled, warm and cozy knowing you've found it and the next day its gone? I would be beyond depressed! Because I mean, I WAS THERE!!! But, what if each step we take leads us closer or maybe further from where our current place should be? How scary, yet how exciting?!

I think that striving to always be at the top of your game and finding your place is great motivation... I just wonder if the constant running towards what we think is our place is really keeping us from living in the brief moments when where we and where our 'place' is are the exact same spot.

We move around this world at lightening speed, going from meeting to meeting, activity to activity, putting focus on things that possibly aren't all that important. We are rarely slowing down to take a breather and take stock in ourselves. Figuring out where my place in this world is hard work, exhausting at times and exhilarating at others and I hope, sometimes that I can slow down enough to feel that for a moment I am standing in the same spot as my 'place' is.

H

Never let me forget

The past couple of weeks Lexi has been so funny with some of the things that she has been saying - I'm putting them on here to allow others to enjoy our funny little girl -


In the middle of the night a storm came through, lightening and thunder, the whole shebang.. Lexi comes and snuggles into bed to ride it out - as its calming a bit this is the interaction:
L - "Mom, do you know who is controlling the storm?"
Me - "No, who"
L - God and Amen
Me - What? Who? Who is Amen?
L - You know, Amen!!
Me - No bug, I'm don't know who you are talking about.
L - You know, when we pray, we start out Dear God and we always end saying Amen..... Amen, he's helping God control the storm!
Me - Oh bug, Amen is not a person -
L - YES HE IS! He is helping God control the storm!!


A couple of days later I was picking Lexi up from daycare - It was hot, but I drove with the windows down and the air off. Once she got in the car, she asked if we could turn the cold air on.. I said sure no problem. I rolled up the windows and turned the air conditioning on, of course it was blowing hot air so I rolled my window down to let it blow out. Lexi asked why I rolled the window down and I explained that sometimes when we turn the air on it blows out hot air before the cold air and I was making sure the hot air would get out of the car. She practically screams at me to roll up my window...  She explains, 'Mom!! When cold air and hot air get together it makes a tornado! Hurry up, roll up your window I don't want a tornado!!!"

Hope you got some laughs out of those! More to come, I'm sure! What is something that your kiddos said that made you laugh?!?

Mama Bird

I see you Mama bird, taking care of your chicks. The moment you land in front of the bird house there is all sorts of squaking at you, I’m sure those squaks are all saying “I’m hungry, Feed me”. You dutifully give up the worm you just spent the last ten minutes trying to catch to make sure your chicks are well fed and happy. You fly off again, I’m assuming to catch something else to feed your babies, because that’s what us Mama’s do, we take care of those who need it.

I hear you Mama bird, tweeting, twittering and squaking at your babies - warning them of the danger that is outside. You are on a tree limb and a Blue Jay is in between you and your chicks, on top of the play set, mearly feet from the bird house that holds your precious babes. You alternate squaking at the bird house and the Blue Jay - obviously I don't know what you are saying, but it is urgent, frantic even and THAT I understand. The heartwrenching pain your mama heart gets when you have little to no control over what may happen with your littles. Feeling that the world is spinning at your feet and you alternate between praying that God will save them from harm and yelling/screaming at whoever might listen to help you.

Thankfully that Blue Jay flys away, babes untouched and safe as can be. You return to the bird house, its quiet as you approach, your chicks heard you "be quiet, there is danger" - but with one little tweet from you the bird house explodes with loud tweets and twitters and squaks, your littles are glad you are there, that same sound that just 30 minutes ago reminded you that this Mama task was hard and demanding has just reminded you that this Mama task is oh so worth it.

Its been a struggle these past few weeks with bigger than life attitudes, talking back, time outs and having earlier bed times..Thank you mama bird for reminding me that no matter how stressful this Mama task can be, that it is worth it. Reminding me that those  squaks, tweets, and chirps are a gift from God - Totally makes it worth the long hours, going from here to there, always on constant alarm to make sure all is right in their world.

Rest easy Mama bird, you've got this!

Never let me forget

Today is the mister and I's anniversary. 11 years married. Seems almost like yesterday and fifty years ago at the same time. Anniversaries, birthdays, new babies, the passing of loved ones always makes me feel like reminiscing.

I've had a pretty great life, thus far... God willing I'll have a ton more to live, but I feel fulfilled when I look back. But I'm afraid I'm missing things. Like I've forgot some great memories that could help keep my reminiscing cup overflowing. So today, I'm going to start off a list of "never let me forget"s... to serve as reminders of great moments.

Never Let me Forget

What it feels like to lay in bed being the meat of a Heather sandwich. The mister on one side and Miss Lexi on the other. I may be sweating, but I'm surrounded by LOVE.

What my dad's voice sounds like when he's telling a story about when he grew up. How is eyes crinkle when he smiles and his laugh resonates through the house.

How my sister, Laura, and I can laugh at the same thing over and over again, half of it is because we are usually so sleep deprived we are giggly messes and the other part is that we have the same sense of humor.

How our neighbor, Mister Ed, is always more than happy to cut off all the blooms on his roses just to see Lexi smile.

How the excitement of a camping trip makes me feel like I'm 10 years old again.

That last night, I sat on the couch with the mister and we told each other Happy Anniversary, just in case we forgot today and we both laughed at how our expectations for our marriage have changed so drastically in 11 years.H- "Oh by the way, I didn't get you anything." J-"Yeah, me neither... But if you want something I'll go get it." H-"Nope... because then I'll feel guilty" J-" So,Happy early Anniversary" H-"You too."

There will be more of these. Serving as reminders that life is a roller coaster and we need to celebrate what we can, when we can.

The ever persistent earthworm

Today is a rainy day here in Kansas. Its been raining on and off for the past couple of days... good long soaking spring days. I know that many tire quickly from the rain; it is not often enjoyable to go on long walks in the park while its raining, I don't know of many people that would choose to sit on a patio to eat dinner in the rain. Today, the rain showed me something - the definition of persistance.

According to the interwebs, persistence is a noun and means "

firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition".

 

Today I was walking along the sidewalk and glanced down to find an earthworm slowly climbing out of the wet ground onto the concrete. It got me thinking. How long had he been moving, inching his way to get to the surface? Did he start the moment the ground around him became damp? Did he have to struggle through layers and layers of dry dirt, damp dirt and then the thickest of all mud? Why did he do this? To survivie... in order for him to survive he traveled a long, hard journey.  It gave me a flashback: In the flood of 1993 I remember going out with my family to look at the damage the flood was doing to areas around our home. The river had overrun its banks and had taken a new path right over a main road between our small town and the next. As we walked up to where this new path of water was raging we noticed hundreds of earthworms, all at the edge of the water, slowly inching away from the torrential current of the river. I had never seen anything like it before or since.

 

Those earthworms could be the picture child of the word persistence. Right next to the word in the Webster dictionary. I'm serious. Think about how hard they work, how many obstacles they have overcome in order to live another day. I don't believe that they do it to impress other earthworms, they do it, because its what has to be done.

 

Over the past year I've learned that persistence is a trait that I have become to admire and strive to have. Doing something with purpose, no matter what difficulty or obstacle you face, because its what you feel is right, its what you feel has to be done. Its not to win a popularity contest, or to win over that person you are trying to impress. Its being authentic with yourself and others, working towards a goal with purpose.

 

Slowly I'm inching and edging my way there... I really think I'm only in the part of the dirt that is just damp, I've got some harder dirt to move and I'm sure that I'll get stuck more than a couple of times in the mud, but it will be worth it. On that day that persistence is part of my personality traits I'll be able to smile in the sun. Sure I'll be dirty and muddy and may be laying on the ground, but I will also be proud and triumphant and able to breathe!

 

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter how hard life is to get through some days, being persistant and working through the mud is far better than staying put and suffocating.

 

When the world starts raining on your dirt pile, be the ever persistant earthworm.

 

Confidence

Last week little miss priss brought home a paper from school that said she had decided to be helpful by getting herself dressed in the mornings. This has been a huge struggle for us so lets say this all together - hallelujah... HALLELUJAH!

The outfits she has chosen have not been something that I would have picked out, but many many wise mothers have drilled into my head that I need to pick my battles (especially with a kiddo who is super duper headstrong)... anyway, getting back to the outfits I mean seriously, stripes and polka dots and all colors of the rainbow in one outfit, admittedly it makes me cringe, but then I stop - Looking at her she is radiant, not from her clothes but the confidence that she is exuding, from within. Its almost a confidence you can feel and taste - she is who she is, without question, hesitation or apology. Its awe inspiring and to stop and realize that it is coming from a 5 year old just BLOWS ME AWAY.

I'm thankful beyond words that she has this confidence. I'm thankful that she doesn't have a fear of judgement. I know that the years where she will second guess herself are coming. Creeping into her happy, carefree, confident spirit. I just hope and pray that those times when she does second guess herself, she chooses to be happy with who she is. I hope and pray that her confidence stays in moments of tough decision making, in moments of peer pressure and in moments when she is 15, staring in the mirror wondering if she is enough.

Baby girl, just remember that you are so special to so many people - The people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind - Be yourself in everything you do.

Bathroom Stalls

I went into work today to catch up on some things that I needed to do. No one else was in the office, just me, the entire floor was empty except for my typing little fingers. Nature called and I went into the bathroom which normally has at least one other person in it and it struck me as I entered my 'normal' stall... why do I always go to this stall? What is it about this one particular bathroom stall that feels, dare I say, Welcoming? I do believe that we are all creatures of habit, whether we realize it or not. Do you park in the same parking spot every day? Do you order the same thing at a certain restraunt? While grocery shopping do you take the same route every time? Do You take the same route driving even though you know you could shave off at least five minutes going a different way? What is it that makes us do this? I try to kid myself and rationalize that its better that way; I won't forget where I parked, or I won't forget that item in the store. But really, its because its easy to do, there is nothing challenging or uncomfortable about knowing exactly what way you are going to proceed with a certain activity. I am certainly a non-rule breaker, a person that makes lists and lists of lists, plans and overplans the things that I can and fret over most of the things that I can't make a list or plan for. So, after a little while at work nature called again, I forced myself to go to a different stall, it was weird, it felt like I was out of place and I felt like I didn't have all I needed (i.e. toilet and toilet paper) but I did, they were just in a different place... and after I was done I realized that really the different stall wasn't so bad, it was just DIFFERENT.... So today, for all of my fellow planners, those that have your certain parking spot, grocery store route or restraunt order- reach, stretch and challenge yourself to switch it up a bit, you might find that things are better a different way... Change your bathroom stall. Have a great weekend! H

Four Years later

Its so hard to believe that four years ago Logan died. Some days it feels like it was a dream. That all that heartache, all the tears, all the pain was just a dream. Honestly if you look at me, the things I do, the clothes I wear, the words I say, there is nothing - NOTHING that would clue you in on how drastically my life changed. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you'll see the changes, how I sometimes get quite when the mention of a baby is brought up. How I might go a little overboard and be over exuberent to mask my hurt. How I shrug off the questions and comments of "when are you going to have another" or 'you know, Lexi needs a playmate'. The unfallen tear in my eye when someone remembers Logan and speaks his name. Some days, I get sucked into that thinking that my grief is over. I can tell you for a fact that I will ALWAYS grieve the passing of my son. He may not have lived outside of my womb, but he did live. He impacted so many lives while he was with me physically. And in these past four years, he has been a conduit of wonderful graces. He's allowed me to offer support to others that I wouldn't have even known needed it. I've opened conversations that have lead to healing. Logan has changed me in so many ways and has impacted so many lives since his passing. I have thought about what I would say on here today - previously I've shared the step by step of what my day(s) were like, I've shared how much my world has changed in the 1,2 and 3 years since he left us and each year that passes new things change and my new normal becomes a new new normal. I think the main thing I want to share today is that as hard and as painful as it may be, tomorrow comes, and with that tomorrow a piece of you heals. Healing is a hard, messy and (I hate to say it) never ending process. There is no defined stopping place. It isn't like, okay I've got another 3 months and then I'm going to be ALL better. But there are times when healing takes place and you don't even realize it. Don't feel bad about the healing that comes easier. Extend yourself grace for the times that healing makes you into some crazy person from an alternative universe. Give yourself time to feel the things you are feeling, right now. Don't hide yourself for fear of what others will think, this is your journey and you are going to traverse it in whatever way you see fit. Know that when you are climbing up that painful hill that it will be a little while before you have to do it again, and even if this hill is a long one, there is a side that goes down, and that will give you a little time to breathe. And above all, know that you are capable of moving forward. I never say moving on, because I feel that is impossible, to me it sounds like moving on is leaving any reminents of the struggle behind you, and that would be such a shame. That struggle is going to transform into something beautiful, your new normal. You way of getting from one day to the next, and its going to incorporate smiles and laughter along with the tears and hurt. There is a lot of freedom in finding your new normal - as painful as it may be, explore it. Move forward and find your new normal... Happy Angelversay sweet Logan. You are thought of and missed and loved every single day! I hope today is filled with fire trucks and teddy bears and a play workbench for you to do some 'tinkering'... Listen for your song later on tonight. We will let Lexi blow out your candles for you, she planned on making you a birthday card but didn't know how you would get it. I told her that you just would. Love you baby - MOM

Thankful

Its getting closer. The time of year where my heart aches a bit more. Where the wounds that have scabbed over start to seep a little as if the skin around them have been pulled apart. Every year when Thanksgiving comes around I'm reminded of four years ago, I was pregnant with Logan and life seemed to be on the track that I thought it should be on. We all know that in fact my life was ready to take a steep dive into a roller coaster of ups and downs and great heartache. I'd be lying if I said that I don't get a bit sad and bitter around this time of year. And I'd also be lying if I said that over the past four years that the sadness and bitter feelings that I have are the same inensity that they were at years one, two or even three. My heart is joyful with the blessing that I have. I enjoy my days with many more laughs and smiles - I don't let the sadness or bitterness stop me from living a full life of happiness. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that I've grown over these past four years. I've grown to be more understanding. I've allowed myself to open up much more than I even was before. I've allowed myself to fail, and fail in front of many people. I've shown more weakness than I would have ever allowed myself to show, I've learned to extend myself grace. I've also learned to shelter myself from things or people that may hurt me. My heart is more tender, brokenness has done that. I've learned that it is okay to say no, even to those that are most important in your life. This week of Thanksgiving I am going to focus on my joys. Focus on the things that make me happy. I'm also going to focus on the blessings that may have hurt in the beginning but have lead me to this new normal of understanding, tender heartedness and grace. I'm thankful for where I am in this journey of life. I'm thankful for those who have walked with me through this change. I'm thankful for the ability to see the blessings in this mess. Happy Thanksgiving world - make it a great one!