2018

WOW! How can I even begin to describe how big of a year 2018 was?
It was a year of a lot of first, a lot of lasts and a whole lot of life in between.
It was a year that we lost Dad. It was a year that we had a lot of firsts without him. It taught us how absolutely amazing our family is. It taught us that standing by each other and giving each other strength is the eye of defeat is what we do best. It reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed to have the family and friends that I do. It reminded me that my heart is always a bit torn, always missing pieces, but those tears, rips and scars are where the real love is.

We celebrated Savannah's first birthday. Our last kids, last first birthday. We celebrated last first steps, last first words. So bittersweet. Savannah is such an amazing little baby. She is happy all the time and, by no fault of her own, has become a camera hog!

Lexi went from being a second grader to being a third grader. I REMEMBER my third grade year. The memories she is making, this very instant are things she will remember until she is old and gray! Again, amazing yet bittersweet - I'll need a reminder in 6 months that she is only this age once and allow her to be a kid, allow her to form her personality, allow her to become who she is meant to be. We also started posting make up tutorials that Lexi has been doing. I'm so excited for her to look back at those videos and know that she was amazing!

Johnny has made such a huge footprint in our lives this year, even more than the one that was already there. With the passing of Dad, Johnny stepped up - big time! He's helped with some of the most stressful, disheartening and frustrating situations, but he has also remembered to be kind and thoughtful and loving. We've been stressed as a couple - but he has stuck it through. Seriously on days when I'm thinking there is no way out - he is there, with a flashlight, guiding our way.

I started a business with dreams for the future. I've been able to create again and it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I have a purpose and excited about creating more. I've grown as a person, more than I honestly wanted too. I've had to learn how to live without my Daddy. I've had to relearn grieving. I've learned how to be a mom of two kiddos here on earth with another one looking down on us from Heaven. I've had to learn, am still learning, how to navigate a new new normal. I've rediscovered my husband. I've left some people behind - some drifted away without much thought, others the void was/is felt. Growth is never easy, but its needed.

As we start 2019 I wanted to just jot down things about 2018. I would love to say good riddance to 2018 - it was SO VERY PAINFUL, but it was also SO VERY BEAUTIFUL. We can't become who we are supposed to be without the pain. I'm looking forward to 2019 to be a year of resurgence, a year of many more blessings, a year where I can be proud of the person I am and proud of the person I'm becoming. A year that I can teach my daughters that it is okay to break out of the box. A year that we can all embrace who we are and who we are supposed to be. A year with no judgment, only being embraced.

I have really decided on a single word for 2019, but a direction in which i think i will head. Maybe I'll find the word along the way, but maybe it will find me.

Thank you 2018 for the tears, thank you for the growth and thank you for making way for a better 2019.

Daddy

My Dad passed away on the 24th of May. Its hard... like really hard.


I've seen a meme that mentions grief being like the ocean, waves of grief come over you and feel overwhelming where you can hardly breathe, you survive the surge and finally catch your breath and feel okay only to have another huge wave of grief wash over you - that's where I'm at.


It feels super surreal sometimes. Like he's still at home and will be sitting at the kitchen table. He'll say "Hey Babe" as I walk in the room and go over to give him a hug. He'll ask me what I know and I'll jokingly say 'not much' and we both chuckle.


We knew that Dad's time with us was limited. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in December of 2016 - the same month I found out that we were pregnant with Savannah. He went through treatments and actually had great response, with tumors shrinking, he had very little sickness. The doctors gave him 6 months to live - He sure showed them! With his great response to treatment I think we all thought that he was going to live much much longer than everyone expected. Then he had a heart attack - a total shocker to all of us. This was the begin of his decline.


I worked in a cancer center for many many years as a financial advisor, going over insurance benefits with patients as they faced this scary disease. Everyone always spoke about quality of life versus quantity of life and I thought I understood what that looked like. When patients would stop treatment and start living the life they had left. It was bittersweet, they knew their end was near and they wanted to enjoy it. After the heart attack dad's quality of life declined A TON. It was so hard seeing a man so capable, so independent become a man who had to rely on others to help him do every day normal things.


His birthday was the 20th, 4 days before he passed. I yelled at him and told him that he had to make a choice to either want to live or giving up. He told me he wanted to live and that he would try - God had other plans.


He passed with a room full of family, my sister and I were holding his hands and mom was hugging him. A beautiful passing for a beautiful man.


Fly high Daddy!
I expect you to be building a tear drop camper,  building an epic go kart and teaching Logan all the things in that great big bard in Heaven.


It certainly isn't good bye, it's only a see you later.