2018

WOW! How can I even begin to describe how big of a year 2018 was?
It was a year of a lot of first, a lot of lasts and a whole lot of life in between.
It was a year that we lost Dad. It was a year that we had a lot of firsts without him. It taught us how absolutely amazing our family is. It taught us that standing by each other and giving each other strength is the eye of defeat is what we do best. It reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed to have the family and friends that I do. It reminded me that my heart is always a bit torn, always missing pieces, but those tears, rips and scars are where the real love is.

We celebrated Savannah's first birthday. Our last kids, last first birthday. We celebrated last first steps, last first words. So bittersweet. Savannah is such an amazing little baby. She is happy all the time and, by no fault of her own, has become a camera hog!

Lexi went from being a second grader to being a third grader. I REMEMBER my third grade year. The memories she is making, this very instant are things she will remember until she is old and gray! Again, amazing yet bittersweet - I'll need a reminder in 6 months that she is only this age once and allow her to be a kid, allow her to form her personality, allow her to become who she is meant to be. We also started posting make up tutorials that Lexi has been doing. I'm so excited for her to look back at those videos and know that she was amazing!

Johnny has made such a huge footprint in our lives this year, even more than the one that was already there. With the passing of Dad, Johnny stepped up - big time! He's helped with some of the most stressful, disheartening and frustrating situations, but he has also remembered to be kind and thoughtful and loving. We've been stressed as a couple - but he has stuck it through. Seriously on days when I'm thinking there is no way out - he is there, with a flashlight, guiding our way.

I started a business with dreams for the future. I've been able to create again and it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I have a purpose and excited about creating more. I've grown as a person, more than I honestly wanted too. I've had to learn how to live without my Daddy. I've had to relearn grieving. I've learned how to be a mom of two kiddos here on earth with another one looking down on us from Heaven. I've had to learn, am still learning, how to navigate a new new normal. I've rediscovered my husband. I've left some people behind - some drifted away without much thought, others the void was/is felt. Growth is never easy, but its needed.

As we start 2019 I wanted to just jot down things about 2018. I would love to say good riddance to 2018 - it was SO VERY PAINFUL, but it was also SO VERY BEAUTIFUL. We can't become who we are supposed to be without the pain. I'm looking forward to 2019 to be a year of resurgence, a year of many more blessings, a year where I can be proud of the person I am and proud of the person I'm becoming. A year that I can teach my daughters that it is okay to break out of the box. A year that we can all embrace who we are and who we are supposed to be. A year with no judgment, only being embraced.

I have really decided on a single word for 2019, but a direction in which i think i will head. Maybe I'll find the word along the way, but maybe it will find me.

Thank you 2018 for the tears, thank you for the growth and thank you for making way for a better 2019.

Mama Bird

I see you Mama bird, taking care of your chicks. The moment you land in front of the bird house there is all sorts of squaking at you, I’m sure those squaks are all saying “I’m hungry, Feed me”. You dutifully give up the worm you just spent the last ten minutes trying to catch to make sure your chicks are well fed and happy. You fly off again, I’m assuming to catch something else to feed your babies, because that’s what us Mama’s do, we take care of those who need it.

I hear you Mama bird, tweeting, twittering and squaking at your babies - warning them of the danger that is outside. You are on a tree limb and a Blue Jay is in between you and your chicks, on top of the play set, mearly feet from the bird house that holds your precious babes. You alternate squaking at the bird house and the Blue Jay - obviously I don't know what you are saying, but it is urgent, frantic even and THAT I understand. The heartwrenching pain your mama heart gets when you have little to no control over what may happen with your littles. Feeling that the world is spinning at your feet and you alternate between praying that God will save them from harm and yelling/screaming at whoever might listen to help you.

Thankfully that Blue Jay flys away, babes untouched and safe as can be. You return to the bird house, its quiet as you approach, your chicks heard you "be quiet, there is danger" - but with one little tweet from you the bird house explodes with loud tweets and twitters and squaks, your littles are glad you are there, that same sound that just 30 minutes ago reminded you that this Mama task was hard and demanding has just reminded you that this Mama task is oh so worth it.

Its been a struggle these past few weeks with bigger than life attitudes, talking back, time outs and having earlier bed times..Thank you mama bird for reminding me that no matter how stressful this Mama task can be, that it is worth it. Reminding me that those  squaks, tweets, and chirps are a gift from God - Totally makes it worth the long hours, going from here to there, always on constant alarm to make sure all is right in their world.

Rest easy Mama bird, you've got this!

Thankful

Its getting closer. The time of year where my heart aches a bit more. Where the wounds that have scabbed over start to seep a little as if the skin around them have been pulled apart. Every year when Thanksgiving comes around I'm reminded of four years ago, I was pregnant with Logan and life seemed to be on the track that I thought it should be on. We all know that in fact my life was ready to take a steep dive into a roller coaster of ups and downs and great heartache. I'd be lying if I said that I don't get a bit sad and bitter around this time of year. And I'd also be lying if I said that over the past four years that the sadness and bitter feelings that I have are the same inensity that they were at years one, two or even three. My heart is joyful with the blessing that I have. I enjoy my days with many more laughs and smiles - I don't let the sadness or bitterness stop me from living a full life of happiness. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that I've grown over these past four years. I've grown to be more understanding. I've allowed myself to open up much more than I even was before. I've allowed myself to fail, and fail in front of many people. I've shown more weakness than I would have ever allowed myself to show, I've learned to extend myself grace. I've also learned to shelter myself from things or people that may hurt me. My heart is more tender, brokenness has done that. I've learned that it is okay to say no, even to those that are most important in your life. This week of Thanksgiving I am going to focus on my joys. Focus on the things that make me happy. I'm also going to focus on the blessings that may have hurt in the beginning but have lead me to this new normal of understanding, tender heartedness and grace. I'm thankful for where I am in this journey of life. I'm thankful for those who have walked with me through this change. I'm thankful for the ability to see the blessings in this mess. Happy Thanksgiving world - make it a great one!