Daddy

My Dad passed away on the 24th of May. Its hard... like really hard.


I've seen a meme that mentions grief being like the ocean, waves of grief come over you and feel overwhelming where you can hardly breathe, you survive the surge and finally catch your breath and feel okay only to have another huge wave of grief wash over you - that's where I'm at.


It feels super surreal sometimes. Like he's still at home and will be sitting at the kitchen table. He'll say "Hey Babe" as I walk in the room and go over to give him a hug. He'll ask me what I know and I'll jokingly say 'not much' and we both chuckle.


We knew that Dad's time with us was limited. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in December of 2016 - the same month I found out that we were pregnant with Savannah. He went through treatments and actually had great response, with tumors shrinking, he had very little sickness. The doctors gave him 6 months to live - He sure showed them! With his great response to treatment I think we all thought that he was going to live much much longer than everyone expected. Then he had a heart attack - a total shocker to all of us. This was the begin of his decline.


I worked in a cancer center for many many years as a financial advisor, going over insurance benefits with patients as they faced this scary disease. Everyone always spoke about quality of life versus quantity of life and I thought I understood what that looked like. When patients would stop treatment and start living the life they had left. It was bittersweet, they knew their end was near and they wanted to enjoy it. After the heart attack dad's quality of life declined A TON. It was so hard seeing a man so capable, so independent become a man who had to rely on others to help him do every day normal things.


His birthday was the 20th, 4 days before he passed. I yelled at him and told him that he had to make a choice to either want to live or giving up. He told me he wanted to live and that he would try - God had other plans.


He passed with a room full of family, my sister and I were holding his hands and mom was hugging him. A beautiful passing for a beautiful man.


Fly high Daddy!
I expect you to be building a tear drop camper,  building an epic go kart and teaching Logan all the things in that great big bard in Heaven.


It certainly isn't good bye, it's only a see you later.

 

Mama Bird

I see you Mama bird, taking care of your chicks. The moment you land in front of the bird house there is all sorts of squaking at you, I’m sure those squaks are all saying “I’m hungry, Feed me”. You dutifully give up the worm you just spent the last ten minutes trying to catch to make sure your chicks are well fed and happy. You fly off again, I’m assuming to catch something else to feed your babies, because that’s what us Mama’s do, we take care of those who need it.

I hear you Mama bird, tweeting, twittering and squaking at your babies - warning them of the danger that is outside. You are on a tree limb and a Blue Jay is in between you and your chicks, on top of the play set, mearly feet from the bird house that holds your precious babes. You alternate squaking at the bird house and the Blue Jay - obviously I don't know what you are saying, but it is urgent, frantic even and THAT I understand. The heartwrenching pain your mama heart gets when you have little to no control over what may happen with your littles. Feeling that the world is spinning at your feet and you alternate between praying that God will save them from harm and yelling/screaming at whoever might listen to help you.

Thankfully that Blue Jay flys away, babes untouched and safe as can be. You return to the bird house, its quiet as you approach, your chicks heard you "be quiet, there is danger" - but with one little tweet from you the bird house explodes with loud tweets and twitters and squaks, your littles are glad you are there, that same sound that just 30 minutes ago reminded you that this Mama task was hard and demanding has just reminded you that this Mama task is oh so worth it.

Its been a struggle these past few weeks with bigger than life attitudes, talking back, time outs and having earlier bed times..Thank you mama bird for reminding me that no matter how stressful this Mama task can be, that it is worth it. Reminding me that those  squaks, tweets, and chirps are a gift from God - Totally makes it worth the long hours, going from here to there, always on constant alarm to make sure all is right in their world.

Rest easy Mama bird, you've got this!