Sounds like the beginning of a novel.. right?? Honestly it feels like in the past year I’ve been living a novel… sure it has its sad moments… it starts out horrible and almost unbearable, but it has it’s happy moments, renewing moments, and, in the end I think it will be an ending that we can all learn from and appreciate, eventually.
Last year November 30th was a Tuesday. It was a day that changed my life forever. It changed a lot of lives forever. It was the day we found out that our Logan’s heart had stopped beating. I’ll never forget that day or the days leading to it, or for that matter the days that followed. Logan hadn’t been moving very much and so I made a very scared phone call to my doctors office. I had an appointment at 10:30, I was told that Logan had probably just turned around and so I couldn’t feel him kick. The nurse told me to lie down, drink some soda and focus on him moving. How was that going to happen? I was at work? So I go back to my desk and concentrate as hard as I can and try to make him move.. nothing.
As soon as we get to Dr. Langaker’s office we are taken back to a room where two nurses try to start a non stress test, finding a heartbeat and then determining the heartbeat was mine, those 15 minutes were some of the most intense, scary moments in my life, or at least I thought. Then, Jenny, the nurse midwife came in and tried to find his heartbeat, again nothing.. after another 5 minutes they all leave the room so we can get a sonogram to figure out what was going on.. both Johnny and I already knew… he was gone. We go to the sono room with the very same sono tech that told us that Logan was a boy… She squeezed the jelly on my stomach, put the wand up to my stomach and there he was, still. She tried to find a heartbeat, but nothing. I remember laying there and seeing out of the corner of my eye the tech look and Jenny and slowly shake her head. Then, Jenny comes over, gently touches my leg and says, I’m sorry there is no heartbeat, He’s gone. Those are words that will forever be in my head and in my heart.
How can my baby be gone? Why? When? Where do I go from here?
We are sent back to an exam room where we call my parents and sit and talk and cry. Dr Langaker comes in to explain that we can induce labor right now, tomorrow, whenever, or we can wait for my body to naturally go into labor. Johnny and I choose to Induce labor the next day.
So, one year ago today, I was sitting my on living room floor, talking and crying with my parents, hearing my dad say that if he could take Logan’s place he would and how he just doesn’t understand. I fall asleep crying and asking God to please make it a mistake and to Please please please have Logan start moving again…
One year ago today I started my journey, learning to live a life with a child in Heaven, a piece of my heart permanently missing.
to be continued…