Four Years later

Its so hard to believe that four years ago Logan died. Some days it feels like it was a dream. That all that heartache, all the tears, all the pain was just a dream. Honestly if you look at me, the things I do, the clothes I wear, the words I say, there is nothing - NOTHING that would clue you in on how drastically my life changed. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you'll see the changes, how I sometimes get quite when the mention of a baby is brought up. How I might go a little overboard and be over exuberent to mask my hurt. How I shrug off the questions and comments of "when are you going to have another" or 'you know, Lexi needs a playmate'. The unfallen tear in my eye when someone remembers Logan and speaks his name. Some days, I get sucked into that thinking that my grief is over. I can tell you for a fact that I will ALWAYS grieve the passing of my son. He may not have lived outside of my womb, but he did live. He impacted so many lives while he was with me physically. And in these past four years, he has been a conduit of wonderful graces. He's allowed me to offer support to others that I wouldn't have even known needed it. I've opened conversations that have lead to healing. Logan has changed me in so many ways and has impacted so many lives since his passing. I have thought about what I would say on here today - previously I've shared the step by step of what my day(s) were like, I've shared how much my world has changed in the 1,2 and 3 years since he left us and each year that passes new things change and my new normal becomes a new new normal. I think the main thing I want to share today is that as hard and as painful as it may be, tomorrow comes, and with that tomorrow a piece of you heals. Healing is a hard, messy and (I hate to say it) never ending process. There is no defined stopping place. It isn't like, okay I've got another 3 months and then I'm going to be ALL better. But there are times when healing takes place and you don't even realize it. Don't feel bad about the healing that comes easier. Extend yourself grace for the times that healing makes you into some crazy person from an alternative universe. Give yourself time to feel the things you are feeling, right now. Don't hide yourself for fear of what others will think, this is your journey and you are going to traverse it in whatever way you see fit. Know that when you are climbing up that painful hill that it will be a little while before you have to do it again, and even if this hill is a long one, there is a side that goes down, and that will give you a little time to breathe. And above all, know that you are capable of moving forward. I never say moving on, because I feel that is impossible, to me it sounds like moving on is leaving any reminents of the struggle behind you, and that would be such a shame. That struggle is going to transform into something beautiful, your new normal. You way of getting from one day to the next, and its going to incorporate smiles and laughter along with the tears and hurt. There is a lot of freedom in finding your new normal - as painful as it may be, explore it. Move forward and find your new normal... Happy Angelversay sweet Logan. You are thought of and missed and loved every single day! I hope today is filled with fire trucks and teddy bears and a play workbench for you to do some 'tinkering'... Listen for your song later on tonight. We will let Lexi blow out your candles for you, she planned on making you a birthday card but didn't know how you would get it. I told her that you just would. Love you baby - MOM

Thankful

Its getting closer. The time of year where my heart aches a bit more. Where the wounds that have scabbed over start to seep a little as if the skin around them have been pulled apart. Every year when Thanksgiving comes around I'm reminded of four years ago, I was pregnant with Logan and life seemed to be on the track that I thought it should be on. We all know that in fact my life was ready to take a steep dive into a roller coaster of ups and downs and great heartache. I'd be lying if I said that I don't get a bit sad and bitter around this time of year. And I'd also be lying if I said that over the past four years that the sadness and bitter feelings that I have are the same inensity that they were at years one, two or even three. My heart is joyful with the blessing that I have. I enjoy my days with many more laughs and smiles - I don't let the sadness or bitterness stop me from living a full life of happiness. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that I've grown over these past four years. I've grown to be more understanding. I've allowed myself to open up much more than I even was before. I've allowed myself to fail, and fail in front of many people. I've shown more weakness than I would have ever allowed myself to show, I've learned to extend myself grace. I've also learned to shelter myself from things or people that may hurt me. My heart is more tender, brokenness has done that. I've learned that it is okay to say no, even to those that are most important in your life. This week of Thanksgiving I am going to focus on my joys. Focus on the things that make me happy. I'm also going to focus on the blessings that may have hurt in the beginning but have lead me to this new normal of understanding, tender heartedness and grace. I'm thankful for where I am in this journey of life. I'm thankful for those who have walked with me through this change. I'm thankful for the ability to see the blessings in this mess. Happy Thanksgiving world - make it a great one!

Unsaid Words

I have this person in my life who has words that have been unsaid for such a long time. Its a struggle to say them. But I imagine its an even bigger struggle to hold on to them for such a long time. These words, that haven't been said, are BIG, HUGE, IMPORTANT words. Words that can heal hurts and shatter hearts at the same time. Behind these words are feelings that I can't even imagine feeling. It makes me so sad that some feel like these feelings and words shouldn't be said/felt. I was brought up in a great household. My parents are still married and exude the kind of love and happiness I can only stive for. I was taught that words are important, but feelings are everything. I don't understand not sharing big, huge, important things that have molded me into the person that is standing (typing) in front of you. I feel inadequate in this area, I can't relate. My question, how do I encourage this person to say these words? How do I encourage this person and make sure they know that I'm here for them? Is just being there enough? Do I try to give advice? Should I back away until this 'fight' is over? I mean, this is not an area I know much about.... I see these things on Pinterest that say, "Be kind, everyone is going through a battle of their own." What I'd really like to see is something that gives instructions on the right way to be kind, and maybe instructions on how to help others in their battles. Do you have unsaid words? Why are you keeping them? Are they too hard to speak? Do you feel like you won't be heard? How long have you kept these unsaid words? How have they changed you? If you want an ear, I'm here. Your words are important. Your feelings are important. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

The veiw

Have you ever had moments that felt huge? Like so big that you can't see anything around, but that "thing" in front of you? Good or bad you just KNOW that this is life altering. Fast forward a couple of days, weeks or months later and it turns out that huge, monsterously big life altering thing wasn't really that big, or it didn't go exactly like you had planned. Are you dissapointed? Maybe.. Are you releived? Maybe.. Is your life continuing to move with or without this moment? ABSOLUTELY! I've had some big huge monsterous things turn out to be little bumps in my road... Things that I thought would 'change my life forever' turn into a 'I think I remember when'... and you know what, my world is okay, my world is happy, my world is filled to the brim and overflowing with wonderful things that I wish everyone got to share in. What I'm getting at is, no matter how huge you think something is, how life altering a decision/choice/action or reaction might be, your life keeps moving. Those mountains of moments might end up to be little hills. I'm not saying that some moments aren't life changing and life altering. But when you do have those HUGE moments, you'll be able to look from on top of that mountatin and realize that those other 'hills' prepared you for this mountain. Stay strong through the hills, stay strong moving up that mountain... the veiw from the top is worth every step!

Loss

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day, October 15th. A day that before December 2nd, 2010 meant absolutely nothing to me, other than it was the day before my daughters birthday. Now, this day means so much that it is almost too hard to quantify with words. As I sit here in the dark struggling to put my thoughts onto this blank computer screen I can't help but think about the other parents, grandparents, siblings, friends who are remembering today. Remembering a baby that held importance in their life, continue to do so, yet aren't physically here. I pray that those remembering today know that this community is a unique one. We all joined this loss community with a jostle, with a very abruptness that took our breaths away. It could have been the words, "I'm sorry there is no heart beat", "I'm sorry, we tried to save your baby, but couldn't" it could have been natures calling, the start of a bleed that wouldn't stop, contractions and dialations that couldn't be reversed. All I know that within this unique and heartbreaking community I have found hope. I have found understanding, unwaivering support and above all I've found love. Love is the one thing that truly binds us all, even outside of this loss community, everyone LOVES. Its hard to explain the love you can have for someone you barely got to know (if at all). These children are a part of us. Always have been, always will be. The love that comes from these losses is a strong love, heartwrenching, but strong. Everyday I struggle with that balance of stong love and heartbreak, some days they live together, other days one wins out over the other. And, something that is even harder to explain is the continuance of living my life while having these two emotions tugging and pulling, all the while still loving my family and friends the best I can. Its hard, almost exhausting some days... but at the end of the day I know that I've done the best I could and besided bringing Logan back, I wouldn't change a thing. This year has been a huge year for awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. The movie Return to Zero came out on Lifetime and reached millions of people. I've seen on Facebook so many different people reaching out, grieving out loud and showing the world that this community is here, open and willing to help. Just today alone I saw pictures of places in NY tht illuminated their bridge blue and pink for awareness, Niagra Falls did the same thing. Its reassuring to know that others are standing up and taking notice. Realizing that every day this type of loss happens. There is no prejudice against who loses a child, it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere. I do want to acknowledge that I could not be where I am today without those people who supported me and allowed me to be who I needed to be to get through some of the hardest days of my life. I was allowed to be bitchy, and angry, and spiteful and sad and grief stricken. I was allowed to talk about nothing but the loss of my son. I was also reminded that I have a beautiful daughter and even though she couldn't take the pain away, she could help me move on. I was reminded that I have a belief in God and how I WILL see Logan again. I was reminded that when you find those people, you hold on to them, tightly. I also want to acknowledge those people who tried to be there for me, but I pushed them away. I don't know why I pushed some away and gathered others closer, but I do know that I did that. Grief is a weird thing... no one grieves the same way, ever... different losses warrent different grief processes.... I'm just glad that most of those relationships that got stronger becuase of grief and those that struggled through my grief are still around. In the end my words don't mean a ton. Its showing up, its doing and its staying for as long as it takes. Loss in a word SUCKS. I'm going to end this by saying that I'm glad we have these days set aside to raise awareness, but I encourage everyone to remember every day. If you are reading this, you know me... you know my story and you know that I remember every day. H

Frozen in time

While on a walk last night I noticed a leaf stuck in a spider web. If I had not looked closer it would have looked like this leaf, in all its perfect golden orange color was frozen on its fall towards the ground. It got me thinking about what I would see in my world if everything was frozen right where it was, how it was, in all of its messy chaotic beautifulness. I would see my daughter sitting on her bedroom floor putting together puzzles. I would see that she is concentrating hard on this one puzzle piece that could fit two different places but this piece has part of a bow on it that will match perfectly with Minnie's outfit. I'll see that she is wearing a pair of my old high heels. Her hair is in a high pony tail. and she is chewing gum... what I would hope that I wouldn't have in focus is that her room is an absolute mess - there are toys and dress up clothes and barbies strewn all about. I would hope that I wouldn't focus on the fact that one of the shoes she has on is missing the bow. I would hope that I would not focus on the bumbps in her high pony tail or that she really needs her bangs cut. I would see my house, the beautiful landscaping, the warm and inviting livingroom that we spend so much time in. The patio door that I love so much that the Mister put in last year and all the wonderful sunlight it lets into the kitchen. I would hope my focus wouldn't be on the dirt and dog hair that I missed while sweeping, the dishes in the sink needing to be loaded into the dishwasher, the landscaping that is unfinished or not up to what I want it to be or the back yard that has wood in it from the tree we cut down this last spring. I would hope that if my world were frozen in time I would see all the glorious things that I am surrounded by. I would hope that the mess that creates these glorious things wouldn't cloud my view from the beauty. I have always been a believer in having a positive perception on the world. I believe that with this perception a person would be able to prosper and be triumphant in times of struggle and hardship. My challenge to you today is to take stock in what your world would look like frozen. Would you see the beauty or would you see the mess... I hope we can all find the beauty within the mess.

The creepy crawly L word...

About a month ago Lexi and I had to deal with the L word... nope, not love... LICE! I have no idea where she got it as all of our friends kiddos were free and clear of the little buggers, but sure enough, she had them... and then gave them to me! She was scratching her head for a couple of days and kept complaining that her head itched... Its summer so I'm gonna be honest here, sometimes baths are the same as playing in the sprinkler or playing in the pool! So, off to the bath I sent her to scrub her down, thinking that maybe she just had a build up of chlorine... Still itchy? YEP! I put her head in my lap and pull her hair up and Woah, bugs!! I had visions of that little comb and wrestling with Lexi to have her sit still long enough for me to comb every single piece of her hair, lets just say there was crying and screaming and some bad words in these visions. Off to Pinterest I went to find another alternative to getting rid of these things. I really didn't want to do much chemicals on miss Lexi's head and honestly, my head was itching and I figured I should find something we could use that we already had around the house. I found a couple of different solutions, Mayo on the head, Vinegar on the head, mouthwash on the head, coconut oil on the head. Some of these sounded like they had some potential! Cheap, things I already had on hand and from what I was reading, not a lot of combing!! I did a combination of a couple of the things I found online. Coconut oil and Listerine. The coconut oil is supposed to suffocate the bugs and break down the outer shell of the eggs. The Listerine is suppose to kill both the bugs and the eggs since the coconut oil broke down the outer shell. First, I put coconut oil all over the hair and scalp, like really doused it and rubbed it in, I then put on a shower cap and let that sit for half a day. Word of warning though, the coconut oil goes from solid to liquid with body heat, so make sure to tuck some papertowels under the shower cap to keep all the oil from dripping down necks and foreheads (the husbands reclining chair wishes I would have thought about that before). After letting the oil sit for a good 4 hours, I ran the comb through her hair and was able to get bugs and nits out of her hair, it was pretty easy because the oil made it slick. Then, we washed her hair with dawn soap. It feels weird and almost gritty trying to get the oil out, but do the best you can. Then, I put Listerine in her hair, I soaked her hair in it, left it pretty drippy and then put the shower cap back on. Again, use the paper towels to catch the drippyness that can happen. I let that sit on her hair for another 4 hours, combed and washed with dawn and then regular shampoo and conditioner. With the conditioner in her hair I combed again, let me just say that my combing was not intricate or very detailed, not section by section like you are supposed to. I didn't get anything out with that last combing! I did the whole regimen again two days later with no bugs or nits to report and I can gladly say that they didn't come back! I'm pretty sure this was the easiest way to get rid of Lice I have ever heard of. I can guarantee you, if our house is ever infested with them again, this is the way we are going! And now I have to stop writing about them, because my head itches!!

To be honest...

To be honest, I had no idea what TBH was on Facebook. I would look at some of my friends kids Facebook walls and there would be all of these things that said TBH this and TBH that. I thought it might be kind of interesting to do my own TBH... here it goes. TBH - -I'm a hoarder of things that trigger memories. -I still have most every letter that was ever written to me and when I'm feeling I don't belong in this crazy world of mine, I read those and know that I'm right where God meant for me to be. Plus, they make me smile. (see item 1) -I think having life long relationships shows a lot about the type of person you are -I have crazy unrealistic fears when it comes to my loved ones, lets just say my imagination goes wild when I can't get in touch with someone. -I am an eternal optimist - there is no cloud too big that you can't see the silver lining. -I don't have a favorite color. -I do not make decisions well. -I over-analyze absolutely everything. -I think that I'm pretty much an open book, but when the going gets tough I tend to internalize the problems and work them out myself... -I think that being a mommy is one of the hardest, mind blowing jobs that one can have - and I'm grateful that I get to experience it. -Sometimes, the things worth having are hard Whats your TBH??

This girl

This girl of mine - she has my heart. She is beyond silly and makes me laugh every single day! Some of her favorite things right now is telling me no (big shocker) Making silly faces at the phone while I take pictures of her, Writing notes to others (score, mommy got a note!)  Showing off and being the center of attention - as long as she knows the people around her. She wants to be tickled, but tells you to stop. Sneaking in our bed for some midnight snuggles.

Reminder of the day - be thankful for the moments you have with those you love. Those moments are fleeting and are not often able to be repeated. Make memories while you can.

Moss

There is this moss in the concrete that I step over every day on my way into the office where I work. I love this moss. Its lush and deep green and healthy. One might even venture to say that this moss is thriving. its a daily reminder to me as I walk in the building every morning - still tired from the lack of sleep that I'm sure every parent has.. From the overwhelming self pressures of my house isn't clean, I have a pile of laundry that I need to do, I don't talk to my family enough, I haven't made enough time for my friends and loved ones, I know that I'm lacking in the mommy-ing department as well as the wife department - need I go on? But this reminder is that no matter how hard things get, no matter how stuck you feel in this crevace, no matter how many times you've been stepped on, no matter how many times icky dirty water has been splashed on you, that you can still grow. This moss gives me hope. Hope, that no matter what life throws at me that I'll continue to grow. That i won't let the hard things in life hold me back. The moss grew in the cracks of a sidewalk - lush healthy, thriving beautiful moss growing with nothing but hard non forgiving concrete all around it. I've got a lot of concrete in my life, I think we all do. Those hard things that no matter how many times or how many ways you've thought or tried to, the hard stuff just won't move. Why not take a different approach, the moss approach? Grow around the hard stuff. Grow in between the cracks of that hard stuff. I bet, one day looking back, we'll be able to see that maybe, just maybe that hard stuff gave us stability instead of making us weaker, maybe it gave us the ability to hold up to other hard things. So, tomorrow, when the hard stuff seems unmoveable and the pressures from the world feel like they are about to crush you, try to find the cracks that you can grow in. Find the areas that you can thrive in. Know that the hard stuff has a purpose.

Heather