Sunday, December 4, 2011

A year ago today–Day Three

I woke up abruptly at 1A.M., Something was happening. Something felt different. Johnny was asleep in the chair and I called out. Johnny something's different, I need a nurse. I found the call button and Amy answered. I said, something's different, I think someone needs to come in and check me. Amy came in and said that I was fully dilated and ready to push. She said it was time to call the doctor. I asked Johnny to go get mom in the waiting room just down the hall.

There was a lot of movement in and out of the room. Mom and Johnny came in just as they wheeled in the bassinet. Another scene that is burned into my mind. A bassinet, a place where a live baby is put, typically to go back to the nursery to be with the other live babies.. I remember being so joyful when I saw Lexi in hers, but all this bassinet brought were tears and the very real reminder that Logan had already died. That they didn’t need the warming lights, they didn’t need to use the tools like they do on a live baby.

With Johnny and Mom by my side Amy left the room saying that the doctor was on her way. As soon as she left to room I looked at Johnny and knew that Logan was coming I told him to go get her, and her ran out of the room, running right back in with a team of nurses, Amy and Heather leading the way. Amy had one glove on when she delivered Logan. He blessed this earth with his presence at 1:10 AM December 2nd. He weighed 2 lbs. 6.8 ounces and was 15 inches long. Without a breath, without a cry without a congratulations, our son Logan Joseph Clear was here.

It was very apparent that something was wrong with Logan. It looked to be a chromosome defect of some sort, kind of along the lines of downs syndrome. He still looked like a baby, all his fingers and toes and ears, he even had a little dark hair, but his forehead protruded a little and his nose was a little sunken in. Something had made our precious Logan not form quite right. We opted to not to an autopsy on Logan, We didn’t want him cut on, it was something that we decided even before he was born. They could do testing on whatever else they could, but Logan was not to be touched.

One thing that I didn’t really think too much about was what would happen when Logan was delivered. How it would feel to hold him and love on him knowing that he wasn’t alive. I knew that I wanted to, Mom wanted to . Johnny opted not to and it is a decision that a person has to make on their own. The nurses were great. They cleaned him up a little and gave him to me as soon as he was born. It is a moment that I will never forget, I was so afraid to touch him, I was so afraid that I would break him, his body was already fragile and I didn’t want to make it worse.

Mom and I took turns holding him and loving on him. Talking to him and telling him how much we loved him. The nurses brought us a camera for us to take pictures of Logan. We took several and those are pictures that I will treasure my entire life. Some mothers who have stillborn children don’t get the chance to hold them and love on them and have pictures of them.

They took Logan to clean him and up get measurements. They also took foot and hand prints, they did foot imprints with his name in the plaster. When they brought him back he was dressed in a blue gown that had footballs sewn as buttons, a blue and white knit cap and a matching blanket. The dressed him as if he was a living child and that meant to world to me. We took more pictures and loved on him more. I’m not sure how long he was with us in the room, but it was an hour, maybe longer. They made sure that I knew that as long as I was in the hospital that I could see him. Just knowing that made me feel a little better about everything, he was, after all, my child.

When they finally took Logan I told him that I would see him later, fully intending to get him back before we left,, I regret it, because I never did, it was just too hard.

They transferred me to the Women's Center on a different floor so I wouldn't hear all the cheers and see all the big balloons saying CONGRATS. Once settled Johnny and I finally fell asleep for a while, curled up with each other on the bed trying to find comfort in each others arms.

I woke up again when I felt someone in my room, it was Amy and Heather, our nurses, they had brought up things for us, it was shift change and they were leaving. They had scrapbooked several things with Logan’s name on it. they brought the foot imprints, they even printed off the pictures we took of Logan and some they took and burned a c.d. for us to take home so we could have his pictures forever, something so little, but so huge for us.

Johnny woke up and we all exchanged hugs and tears and I tried to express my thanks to them. For such a horrible experience I couldn’t have asked for a pair of more caring, more compassionate nurses. What was next for the day… setting up arrangements for Logan, what to do with his body, burial or cremation? Where to have his body sent? Mom said she would call around and figure out what to do and how to do it. Johnny and I decided that we would get Logan cremated. That way if for some reason we ever moved he wouldn’t be left in a city all alone, that we could take him with us. I got up to go to the restroom and walked out of the door to see Johnny on the phone with McGilley and Frye funeral home, making arrangements for our son. I listened as he told them that our son had died, he was stillborn and we needed to make arrangements to have him cremated. It was something that Johnny felt he needed to do, he wanted to handle this part of our journey, being a husband and a dad. In that moment my admiration and respect for Johnny had never been higher,and through our journey he continues to amaze me.

The doctor came up and said that they got some really good tissues from the placenta and the umbilical chord so she was sure they could figure out what exactly happened with Logan. She also said that I looked good and I could go home whenever I wanted, that she would get the paperwork ready. I was ready to get out of the hospital, ready to not have my temperature took, not too have my stomach pushed on, ready to see my daughter… but this also meant that I would be leaving the hospital without Logan. I was leaving him there, in the morgue, in the  basement to be picked up by the funeral home. If I left it meant that I could never see him again. Everyday happy couples leave the hospital with their newborn baby, but not us, not today, we were leaving with empty arms and heavy hearts.


Since then Johnny, Lexi and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  Johnny and I have had some really rough patches in our marriage, it’s hard trying to be the support system for another person when you are using all your energy to try to get through your day. We’ve been impatient with Lexi, maybe a little too often. We’ve let friendships slip away that we shouldn’t, we’ve let people down and have been let down by others. We really have had to find a new normal. Trying to rebuild a life, a marriage a family out of the ashes of what was to be. It’s been difficult and I’m sure there are going to be times when it’s almost unbearable, but we’ve learned that Logan allowed us to see the world in a different light. We need to cherish the things that we hold most dear. We need to experience life a little more. We need to allow things to happen. We need to realize that we can do all we can and things will still turn out bad, but if we hold on tight and ride the storm we’ll get to see the rainbow after.

Thank you for reading my journey of a year ago today. I hope it has allowed you to see a little glimpse of one persons story of child loss. The emotions that happen, the events that happen. Just know that everyone has a story… it may not have been them, but maybe someone they know.. stop and listen, learn that life is a journey and you never know where they are in theirs.

With love,


Thursday, December 1, 2011

A year ago today – Day 2


A year ago today I was laying in a hospital bed confused, scared, sad, mad, heartbroken and pretty much any other emotion you can imagine. Its something that really can’t be described adequately with words.. its something that you have to experience to really get it. And I hope you never have to experience it.

We arrived early at the hospital, our check in time was 7 A.M., Johnny and I walked up to the nurses station, the same nurses station that only 14 months before I had checked in about to be induced with our beautiful baby girl, only this time it was different, it was with a very heavy heart. The nurses were getting ready to change shifts as we showed up, the first nurse I saw I told her that my name was Heather Clear and I was here and they were supposed to have a room ready for me, instantly she knew who I was and walked me to our room, I was already crying, I stood in the middle of the delivery room feeling so lost and scared and she cried along with me. Her name was Amy, she was the nurse that would deliver Logan. Amy got both Johnny and I settled in the room, helped hook me up to monitors and left for the day. My parents arrived after taking Lexi to daycare and my dear friend Jen dropped everything to be at our side during this difficult day, we really are blessed to have so many people that love us. My doctor came in around 8:30 and explained that they would be inducing me with a pill that would be inserted vaginally, in very small doses and this would help put my body in delivery mode. It was at that point that I wasn’t so sure that I was ready to go through with this, I was so scared and no one had answers to the questions that I didn’t even know how to form into words. Dr. Langaker was so sweet and caring and really tried to explain everything she could in the most gentle terms but at the same time being very honest, it helped me along in ways that I wouldn’t understand until later. I asked her how long I could be waiting for Logan to be delivered and she said that it could take a really long time, it just depends on how my body reacted to the pills, but at 24 hours we could reevaluate other options,Thankfully we didn’t have to go down that road.

The day pretty much progressed with no progress. We were introduced to Coco McAtee, one of the social workers at Overland Park Regional, she helped guide us through some of the most difficult decisions we would have to make thus far. She was sweet, but you could tell that she was at a loss for words, I guess even when you deal with families who lose children everyday it doesn’t make it easier to know what to say. There were some insensitive people who were careless and didn’t pay attention to the sign the hospital had put on my door letting them know that there was a child who had died. The guy who came and took my blood for instance asked me if this was my first child and what our son’s name was, he said that Logan was a strong name and as he left he said good luck… as soon as he left the room I broke down in tears, he didn’t know, he couldn’t have known. Later that night the anesthesiologist did the same thing, he said that all the pain was worth it,  and in the end I’d get to take a beautiful baby home… again, he didn’t know. This time our nurse Heather was there, she came over and held my hand while the anesthesiologist talked about how wonderful babies were, she really helped me through that… it was hard to not say something, but it was even harder to say something.

I got to take a break from the pills and I got to eat dinner and visit with friends and Lexi was brought to the hospital for us to see. That really helped to raise my spirits in an otherwise heart wrenching day, to see my beautiful baby girl smile and laugh and ‘help’ me eat my vegetable soup, it was the only time that day I genuinely smiled.

Nurses changed shifts again and Amy came back into the room, the other nurse that was helping her was Heather, these two nurses were so great, in such a horrible circumstance they held my hand, they gave me hugs, they loved on me like they had known me for years.. they allowed me to grieve the way that I needed to, I only wish that more nurses could be that way.

We started back with the pills and doubled my dose at 8, I hadn’t really dilated and I wasn’t moving very fast, which I was thankful for… that meant that Logan was still with me for a little while longer. Finally the contractions started, I was asked so many times if I wanted to get an epidural… I refused for so long, finally I said the words that had been in my head and my heart the entire day… “why should I have relief from pain if it hurt Logan when he died?” Still, today I only hope that it didn’t hurt when he died, I only hope that something I did didn’t cause him to die (remember, at this point the reason for his death is unknown) I’m finally talked into getting an epidural and that is when I met the inconsiderate anesthesiologist.

Finally I drift off to sleep with tears in my eyes for what I know is going to come, my baby is going to be born, but he’s not going to cry, he’s not going to move, he has died.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A year ago today – Day 1

Sounds like the beginning of a novel.. right?? Honestly it feels like in the past year I’ve been living a novel… sure it has its sad moments… it starts out horrible and almost unbearable, but it has it’s happy moments, renewing moments, and, in the end I think it will be an ending that we can all learn from and appreciate, eventually.

Last year November 30th was a Tuesday. It was a day that changed my life forever. It changed a lot of lives forever. It was the day we found out that our Logan’s heart had stopped beating. I’ll never forget that day or the days leading to it, or for that matter the days that followed. Logan hadn’t been moving very much and so I made a very scared phone call to my doctors office. I had an appointment at 10:30, I was told that Logan had probably just turned around and so I couldn’t feel him kick. The nurse told me to lie down, drink some soda and focus on him moving. How was that going to happen? I was at work? So I go back to my desk and concentrate as hard as I can and try to make him move.. nothing.

As soon as we get to Dr. Langaker’s office we are taken back to a room where two nurses try to start a non stress test, finding a heartbeat and then determining the heartbeat was mine, those 15 minutes were some of the most intense, scary moments in my life, or at least I thought. Then, Jenny, the nurse midwife came in and tried to find his heartbeat, again nothing.. after another 5 minutes they all leave the room so we can get a sonogram to figure out what was going on.. both Johnny and I already knew… he was gone. We go to the sono room with the very same sono tech that told us that Logan was a boy… She squeezed the jelly on my stomach, put the wand up to my stomach and there he was, still. She tried to find a heartbeat, but nothing. I remember laying there and seeing out of the corner of my eye the tech look and Jenny and slowly shake her head. Then, Jenny comes over, gently touches my leg and says, I’m sorry there is no heartbeat, He’s gone. Those are words that will forever be in my head and in my heart.

How can my baby be gone? Why? When? Where do I go from here?

We are sent back to an exam room where we call my parents and sit and talk and cry. Dr Langaker comes in to explain that we can induce labor right now, tomorrow, whenever, or we can wait for my body to naturally go into labor. Johnny and I choose to Induce labor the next day.

So, one year ago today, I was sitting my on living room floor, talking and crying with my parents, hearing my dad say that if he could take Logan’s place he would and how he just doesn’t understand. I fall asleep crying and asking God to please make it a mistake and to Please please please have Logan start moving again…

One year ago today I started my journey, learning to live a life with a child in Heaven, a piece of my heart permanently missing.

to be continued…

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Birthday party and a walk

This weekend we had an incredibly full, busy weekend. The weekend was also full of LOVE!

On Saturday we celebrated Lexi’s birthday. she turned 2 on Sunday. My friend Jen made her these adorable cupcakes and a larger bouquet.. They were awesome!. DSCN4429

If you like what you see and you want Jen to do some cakes for you visit her website here.

Here are a few pictures of the birthday girl



After Lexi’s party on Saturday. We put on A Walk to Remember on Saturday. It was an AMAZING day! So many new friends, so many lives touched. I’ve had so many people email me, request me on facebook. It was the first annual… next years walk will be bigger and better. We have already started planning with more idea. Here are a couple pictures from the day.


till next time folks

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Scary and exciting

Hi all! Some of you know that and friend ( a HUGE shout out to Jen) and I are putting together a walk. A Walk to Remember. It’s on Sunday. I am so excited about this walk. I am also so nervous about this walk. It’s a little hard to explain why I am so nervous. I am giving a speech, but that isn’t the thing I am most nervous about. I think the thing that gets me is that there are other people who have invested money, who have set aside at least four hours to spend time doing something that I envisioned. It feels like these people have agreed with me that this is an important event. This the babyloss community needs awareness, needs support and needs something out there for others to take part in. There are 67 people who have registered for this walk. A majority of these people I don’t know. I’ve never met them, I’ve never spoken with them, but we are all connected. We all understand the pain, the grief, the emptiness. There are people who have registered that will have to drive an hour just to get to the walk. I had another lady ask me about the walk who would have had to drive over an hour and a half to come and participate. And to think that we didn’t do a lot of advertising besides of facebook and Overland Park Regional.

I originally wanted to do this as a way to do something with my feelings… I felt that God had chosen me, us, to take the loss and make something beautiful out of it. The Logan Clear Foundation might be several years away, but this walk was something that we could put together and do right now. In planning this walk it showed me that there is such a need for the support that TLCF would give. I’ve sent several emails to different attorneys around the metro asking if they could help me complete and file the paperwork to start the process to become a non profit and sadly I’ve only gotten, no, sorry, I’m no the right kind of attorney or the last one was, our plate is really full right now, but good luck.. really? You can’t even point me in the right direction? How difficult would that be??? But you know… God is going to provide this to me. I have such a feeling in my heart that this foundation needs to happen. No is not an option for me. It will happen.

Okay, I mentioned that I was going to give a speech. I’ll give you a sneak preview. Please be kind… these words are coming from my heart and reaching out to those who have suffered a loss whether directly or indirectly the pain is still there:

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you."

-Winnie the Pooh

Thank you all for coming today to walk, to remember, to share. I know it takes courage to come out and speak about your loss, or losses. Some of you I know, some of you I don’t, but the one thing that we all share is that we have been affected by the loss of a child. We have all joined a club, a club that none of us ever wanted to join. A club that we never thought about until that day we were initiated. It’s not a club that I wish for anyone else in this entire world to join, but sadly, there are more and more members everyday. My name is Heather Clear and I became part of our ‘club’ on December 2nd, 2010.

When Johnny and I lost Logan we were in complete shock, disbelief and angry. We were so confused as to how this could happen to us; my pregnancy had gone perfect, no issues, no signs, no warnings of what was to come. Logan was supposed to round out our family and make us a family of four. We have Lexi, beautiful and full of spunk a live wire, Logan was, in our minds, going to be the cool, calm and collective one, he was going to make our family complete! Never did I think that I would be a mom to an Angel baby.

It’s interesting how one can be going down the road of life, thinking that they’ve got some control... Life is happening the way they’ve planned, they must be doing something right! I was on that road… So happy because we were expecting another child, looking forward to all the memories that were going to be made, planning for the future; taking the him home, staying up at night and happily complaining because it feels like I haven’t had sleep in years, planning birthday parties, sleepovers, the first day of school, first loves, first heartbreaks, making plans on how we were going to be there to support and guide our child through, when in fact those are the memories that we will grieve over, they will never happen. The road of life often looks different when you look back on where you’ve been than it did when you first started your journey.

I thought this walk would be an important part of my journey, figuring out how to live life after losing Logan. It has been very therapeutic and also so much more rewarding than I ever thought it could be. I’ve made connections with other families who have experienced loss. I’ve found that I can offer support. I can be there for other people. I’ve discovered that I am still Heather, I’m just a different Heather.. I am still a positive person. I still smile, I still laugh, I still think that people are inherently good. But I also get sad when I see a baby boy that is about 8 months old, I get a little sad when I hear a baby cry, I get a little sad when I see little blue socks. I have a piece of my heart that is missing; no matter what we are celebrating or where ever we are there is a piece of our family that isn’t here. My life has more bittersweet moments than it did before and I believe that it always will. But I’ve also discovered some wonderful things, I love deeper than I did before, I have more compassion for others and I allow myself to be who I am.

I have had so many wonderful things happen to me in my life. And I know that there are many more wonderful things yet to happen. I believe that meeting all of you and sharing with all of you is one of those wonderful things. Thank you for welcoming me into this club with open arms full of understanding and full of hope. Thank you for joining me on my journey and allowing me to be a part of yours. I hope that you can look back on this day and remember it as a good day. A day that you might have cried a little, a day that you might have smiled a little, a day that you hopefully made a connection with another person who understands your grief, a day you found support you had been lacking, a day that you remembered.


I'll post pics of the walk on Monday.

Love to all!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Growing up

Our Big Girl

This past weekend I took Lexi for a little walk around our town. I took some pictures of her, like a mini photoshoot for an almost two year old. I can't believe she is almost two. It really seems like yesterday Johnny and I were bringing her home from the hospital. She is so full of life. She is so full of attitude. You can tell that she loves life. I don't worry about her being pushed around by anyone. She knows what she wants and she is determined to get it.




(so I totally had to put this pic in here... she has such a little sassy attitude, I'm pretty sure this look is trying to say, ummm mom, take the picture already, I feel stupid standing in front of this tree!)

Lexi really helped Johnny and I work through losing Logan. She continues to do so, daily. She always makes us laugh. She shows us the joys of having a child. She gives us hope that one day we will feel we are ready to try to add another child into our family. But, she also shows us what it means to have patience, to have a parents heart when all you really want to do is run away because she know exactly which buttons to push and how hard to push them!!!

Love you Alexandria Rae Clear. You are the sunshine in our worlds.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Communication - huh?

Why is it so hard to communicate? Why does it take so much effort to clearly say the words you want to say? Especially to the ones that are closest to you?

Johnny and I have had some real eye opening experiences, not just recently, but really our entire life together as a couple. We learned early that we have to stick together in hard times, but that in itself is tough. When we lost Logan, right when it was happening, we were really good about talking to each other, about nothing and everything, our beliefs, where we thought this situation put us on our road of life, but that communication has wavered. I don't think that we are really all that different from most married couples. I honestly believe that everyone has periods in their life that they just can't put the correct words together and get them out of their mouths. Or you think the correct words are coming out of your mouth and it goes terribly wrong, you hurt each others feelings and feel even more flabbergasted than you did before.

I read a book once (don't remember the name of it) but it reminded us that men and women are completely different. Men look at life through blue shaded glasses and hear life through their blue shaded hearing aids, while women have pink glasses and hearing aids and since the opposite sexes are constantly seeing and hearing things differently the messages being sent are constantly being encoded and decoded wrong. That was a huge eye opener for me.

Although it is next to impossible to know how someone may take something you say, you have to have faith that you have encoded it with enough of the other color that it is taken right. You have to have faith that God will show you the words to say and have faith that God will show the other person how to read the signals you've sent.

Johnny and I do not have a perfect marriage, at all, but I do think that we are working on one of the most important parts of a marriage, how to communicate. It's a hard road and yes, feelings have been hurt. But in the end, we'll be able to look back and be thankful that we took to this road. Not just for our marriage, but for Lexi and our future children.

The take away from today's post... remember that everyone deciphers things differently. Be mindful of what you say, be mindful of how you say. Be respectful of each other and know that communication is hard and if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Happy Monday!

Friday, September 23, 2011

My husband and his daughter

I was looking through my phone today at all the pictures that have been taken... A majority them have been of my beautiful daughter.. and she really is beautiful.. its not just the mommy in me coming out.. we get stopped constantly to be told how beautiful she is... I hope that she will know how beautiful she is when she's grown.... Anyway other pics are if Mr Clear and Lexi. He loves his daughter... Completely and totally smitten with her might be a better description of his feelings toward her... And she thinks that no one is better than her daddy...  And when the two if them are our playing around their love for each other absolutely radiates!!

It reminds me how blessed I am to be marries to a man who puts his family first.

Right nor Mr Clear is down helping my parents remodel a home for my grandparents to move into. He took off from work to be able to help my parents. It just reminds me how much I love that man...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Faith in others

There are so many days where I am amazed by people.. in a good way.Throughout this entire process of losing Logan, connecting with other babyloss moms, realizing that forming The Logan Clear Foundation was a calling from above and something I feel must happen for me and the Kansas city metro to putting on A Walk to Remember it has been so amazing how open and receptive people have been. How many people want to do help in anyway they can. It really helps to get me through the day. Even right after we lost Logan that was one of the resounding things that Johnny commented on, people were supportive from the very beginning.. giving  of themselves and reminding us that the world is really a good place.

I don't know that this blog is really even read but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped us, supported us, allowed us to vent, allowed us to cry, to be angry... You never expected us to feel a certain way.. we love you.

The Clears

Friday, August 19, 2011

Registration is now OPEN

You can now register for A Walk to Remember.

Registration Fee is $20 and includes, 1.5 mile walk, Tshirt to remember the day (If registered by Sept. 20th), refreshments and a balloon to persoalize for your baby or babies that we will release during the Balloon Ceremony.

To Register, visit:
Paypal, Credit and Debit cards are accepted.
You may register the day of the event starting at 1pm.
After you have registered, please email Heather or Jen and let them know your T-Shirt size.

Emails below:
Thank you for your support!!!

A Walk to Remember

Hi all!

Thanks for showing interest in A Walk to Remember.

This walk will bring awareness to the loss of so many babies, due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. 1 in 4 women experience this type of loss. Many of these women suffer this loss in silence. Baby loss is a subject that no one wants to talk about because it is so sad. However, by not talking about it, a silence is placed on the families that have had to suffer a loss, who are grieving every day of their lives. This walk will allow those of us who have grieved this type of loss to do so openly. You may have lost a child, you may be married to a women who lost a child, your mother, your sister, your aunt, your niece even your next door neighbor may have lost a child. Are you or they suffering in silence. Come join us on Sunday, October 16th 2011 to remember these children and break the silence on baby loss.

The profits of this walk will go to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Faces of Loss was created by a women who lost a baby. She created this website to allow other women who have lost a child to post a face with their story, to connect with other baby loss moms, to help a woman feel that she is not alone in this grief. That she is unfortunately part of a larger group of woman that she ever would have imagined.

We will have several different ways for you to register for the walk. There will be a registration fee of $20.00. This fee will provide you with a shirt commemorating the day that we walked to remember, refreshments after a 1.5 mile walk and a balloon that you can personalize for your baby or babies that we will release at the end of the day.

More to come on how to pay the registration fee

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The rambling mind of a babyloss mom

So I hate to think of myself set in this “babyloss world” but the fact is.. I am living if everyday. Not a moment goes by that I don’t have Logan on my mind. He may not be the thing front in center in my mind, but it is amazing how fast he can get there. I know that there are people out there that just don’t get it.. and honestly I thank God that they don’t. I never ever want anyone to have to go through the pain and suffering we have gone through and are still going through. I know that some may think that it is odd that I want to write or talk about my dead son and that’s okay. I have those people that I can talk to about it and although a majority of them don’t truly understand, at least they acknowledge that they don’t understand but they are there for me, whenever I want to talk… and I know that.

Yesterday Robin, the kids and I went to the zoo. I had a great time and I think they did too, but it was still a little bittersweet for me, simply because I should have had a three month in tow along with My 19 month old. I really wonder if the bittersweet taste of everything will ever go away. Alexandria was drinking her Bug Juice and it made the inside of her lips this bright purplish red, the color that I remember Logan’s lips being and BOOM there was a pain that ran deep down inside. I didn’t cry.. I didn’t even bring attention to it to Robin, but wow, something so weird, so simple, so small could have taken me down if I had let it. Part of me was a little afraid that it wasn’t her drink that had made her lips that color. Sounds like silly fear, but since we don’t really know why Logan died I am a little over-protective of things that Lexi does and if she’s okay or not. Something else that I hope will subside sooner rather than later, I’m also sure that Johnny and Lexi hope for this too!

But anyway, back to the zoo, Here are some pics Lexi riding a carousel for the first time (it makes me proud to be a mom of a little girl so independent, but makes me so weepy to think that she’s growing up to be independent). We have pics of Lindsey being her Rockstar self! Wyatt and his cool SpiderMan hat (that is now a permanent resident of the Kansas City Zoo) and a pic of Robin and I!!!



So, Tomorrow will be Logan’s seven month Angelversary. Will you all just think of him and do something kind in his honor? Nothing big, something simple, I’ve always thought that sharing a smile with a stranger can mean more and be shared so easily, so I guess your challenge, should you choose to accept it… smile at a stranger tomorrow or the next day or even the next, but when you do, just think of our Logan. Good night all!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother’s Day

My second Mother’s Day was such a bittersweet day… Don’t get me wrong. The day was great! I got to spend it with my Mom, Dad, my loving Husand and my beautiful daughter.. I got to ‘see’ my siblings online, but I couldn’t help but remember that someone was missing. I kept thinking about how different my life would be if Logan had made it all the way to February 21st. If he hadn’t died…. that feels so weird to type, so harsh and so cold it seems, but there really isn’t any better way to put it. Short and simple, our Logan died. He died before he got to take his first breath. He died before I got to hear him cry. He died before I could soothe him in the middle of the night, all the while cursing that I was so tired.. He died.

I keep reading other people’s blog that have had stillborn children and it really is a completely different language. One that I had no idea about before December 2nd. They all seem to have the same thoughts.. the what ifs.. I wonder if I will every get out of the what ifs…. I have a feeling that they will always be there…

I’ll leave you with some wonderful pictures that warm my heart.  Lexi bug playing in a fountain at mom’s house… she looks so happy, so carefree… I love her to pieces!



Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Logan Foundation

My ideas for The Logan Foundation... a way to offer support to those families suffering from an imaginable loss through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. It's a group that many families are part of but very few speak of... our goal is to change that. No more suffering in silence...

In the beginning of April I submitted an application to PeaChic foundation. A company that offers grants to businesses that offer support to women or run by women. Here is what my application looked like:


About our business:

On December 2nd, 2010 I gave birth to my son, Logan. He was born still at 28 weeks after a sonogram confirmed what my heart already knew, there was no heartbeat, he had died. Although I had a wonderful group of family and friends surrounding and supporting me, no one could relate to what I was going through. No one knew the hurt of losing a child, no one knew the fear that I might have done something to make his heart stop, all of these questions and all of these things I wanted to say, but didn't feel that they would be heard with understanding ears. My goal/vision is to give support to those women going through this loss, while it's happening. To be an understanding hand to hold. To be a knowing shoulder to cry on. It's amazing how alone you can feel in a room full of people you love. I want to offer a support system from the moment a mother/father/family finds out that their child is gone. I understand that there are support groups for grieving parents of this type of situation, however a support group is for after the fact, it takes quite a bit of courage to be able to walk in a room and listen/talk about this loss. I know that it would have helped me to have a person who had suffered this type of loss be available to me while I was experiencing the loss. We would like to eventually offer some financial support for the burial/cremation. No one goes into a pregnancy thinking about buring their child and all the focus is on getting the nursery ready. I’ll be honest that cost was a consideration in our initial thoughts of what to do with our Logan’s remains, my grandparents were thoughtful and caring enough to give us the money we needed to get Logan cremated. Although the cost is not an extreme cost, it is still an unexpected cost. It would be one less worry on the mind of the grieving family. I would also like to set up a network of local (and eventually national) funeral homes/crematoriums that would offer services at deeply discounted rates if not free that could be offered to the families. I would like to raise money by doing walk/runs, having fundraisers that would not only provide funding for The Logan Clear Foundation, but that would provide information to the public about baby loss and how often this happens and how little we hear of these losses. Try to take the stigma and taboo off of baby loss. Once a family is home and trying to settle in to the ‘new’ normal of life I would like to offer follow up services. Maybe take some flowers, an inspirational book and journal, to show the grieving family that we are a foundation that doesn’t just step in and leave, we are a foundation that will stick with them through their grief, hopefully eventually adding to our network of baby loss moms/fathers/families.

I would like to go ahead and get the foundation set up with the tax id number and the 501c3 designation. In doing the 501c3 designation it would show the community that we are serious about our mission of lending support to those going through this horrible loss and bring awareness to the community. Long term goals would be to start a network of moms/families going through this throughout the nation and then eventually world wide.

If awarded this grant I would immediately start the foundation, go through whatever processes I needed to in order to get the foundation legal. I believe that once I secured the foundation name and was working on the designation (as I know it can take up to and even over 6 months) I would get materials, flyers, pamphlets put together to be placed in doctors offices and hospital maternity wards. I would try to put together a website to showcase our foundation. I would basically make sure our name and foundation is out in the community and available to anyone who needs it.

If awarded this grant I expect that it would help to make our business a reality. At this point I don’t even know where the money would come from to get the ball rolling. A grant would be the way to get the flyers/pamphlets/tax designations/website at least started.

Okay guys, that’s it… hopefully that moved you to think about how important this foundation could be for you, your family or someone you know that has gone through a loss like this.

Love to all!