Thursday, February 9, 2012


Every night on the way home that is what I hear. I get so frustrated because she obviously wants something that I can’t or won’t give her. And it often makes me wonder if I am a good mom. I know that there are areas where I am absolutely terrible, there are areas where I feel like I am fair, but there really isn’t  one thing that I can say that I am absolutely positively awesome at… and that isn’t fair to Lexi.

Johnny and I have been blessed with Alexandria, our first born, our only living child and I feel that we are doing her a huge disservice by not being the absolute best parents that we can be. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that our actions right now are developing who she will be when she grows up. How Johnny and I act towards each other is laying the groundwork for what she will believe is how a relationship should work. Every step we take effects her life, currently and in the future. I often wonder if God underestimated the type of parents we would be when he blessed us with Lexi.

Don’t get me wrong. Lexi is such an awesome kiddo, really she is, full of spunk and life and energy. Full of attitude and knowing what she wants and determination that when she hears no, she hears maybe (yes aunt Wendy, she’s no doubt an orange!!!). But that same spunk and attitude can wear on me like no ones business. Sometimes I just think that I won’t be able to take one more thing from her. And then she gives me a hug and tells me she loves me and the world makes sense again… until about 5 seconds later when she tells me ‘I SAID NO’ and runs off pouting…

I guess the point of this post is to say that I know I should be a better parent, I don’t want to be a parent that is just good enough. I want to be the best parent. I want to be the parent that Lexi deserves. I guess that takes time and patience and understanding and love…

Dear Lord, please help me find the patience that you have obviously instilled in me, please help me find the calmness in the midst of the attitude storms. Please help me be the parent you have visioned.

Lexi, when you get older and read this, please know that your Daddy and I have done the best we can and hopefully we get better and better by the day. We love you!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The past couple of months

I know that I haven’t posted since the ‘One year ago today” posts.. Those were really hard to write. Hard to go back and read, but they were truth, they were raw emotion, they were what my mind goes through on a daily basis.

I will say that life has gotten easier with time. Losing Logan is something that changed me forever. I will always think of Logan. No matter where I’m at, no matter what I’m doing, he’s always there, waiting to be mentioned. I know that it can make some people uncomfortable talking about my son that is dead, but it is so true that I think about him as much as I think about Lexi. All the time, every day. It’s not gut wrenching sadness and pain anymore.. don’t get me wrong there are totally those days that I need a good cry because I miss what should have been, I miss the fact that I should have an almost one year old. That on the 21st of this month that we should be celebrating Logan’s first year of life. But sadly that day will pass with birthday party, with no candles being blown out, with no one year old with blue frosting smeared all over his face. Maybe that happens in Heaven. Maybe on December 2nd Logan had a blow out party for being in Heaven for a year.. I’ll find out one day.

My Grandpa died last month, in January. He fell and broke his hip the weekend of Thanksgiving and went to a skilled nursing unit and developed a really bad infection and died. In my opinion he shouldn’t have died. It’s such a shame that the hospital took such poor care of him that he couldn’t live out the next 5 or so years he had left. He will be missed, he IS missed. He had a good life, a long life, saw so many things that I will never ever know about. He and my Grandma had been married for 65 years! That’s a lot of love to be together for that long. I only hope that Johnny and I can be together for that long… and not hurt each other! Smile

Johnny, Lexi and I are buying a house! Hopefully we will be closing the end of this month.. and at that time I’ll post pictures… its so exciting, but so scary at the same time.. I mean are we really grown up enough to own a home?!?!?

I promise I'll try to post more frequently!