Monday, December 4, 2017

Life recently - December 2017 version

WOW WOW WOW – has life changed around these parts?!
In September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Savannah, our rainbow baby. My heart is so full of love and appreciation and gratitude and RELIEF… honestly, it was a hard pregnancy. I was sick for a good portion of it, but that really wasn’t the hard part. The fear of something happening at every step of the way was the super hard part.

I had weekly sonograms which helped our journey be not so scary, but I’ll be honest, the 6 days in between sonos felt like forever! No one talks about how scary a pregnancy after loss can be, but MAN, remind me to do a blog post about all that in the future!

Lexi is a super proud big sister and is super helpful, if not annoyingly so… I know, I know, I should be super thankful and I am, but sometimes I want to say – PUT THE BABY DOWN!

I’ve started a side business with Young Living Essential Oils. They are changing my world! So many toxins in so many products we use on the daily. Slowly but surely I’m switching those out and would LOVE to help anyone wanting to do the same! A simple switch and ditch, dryer balls for dryer sheets!! Put a couple drops of Purification oil on a couple balls and you are set! Without all those yucky chemicals in the dryer sheets. Google it, I promise it will make you think twice before throwing a sheet or two in next time you do laundry.

We’ve had some health scares with other members of my family, but for right now we are all trucking along, doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.

Logan’s Angelversary was yesterday. We sang Happy Birthday to him over a Reece’s Peanut Butter cup (daddy’s choice), we split it and each had a piece. We love and miss him every single day. I honestly feel like I’ve done such an injustice to his legacy the past couple of years. Hopefully this coming year I’ll get back on track and work on getting rid of the taboo surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

Just wanted to hop back on and say HEY.
I promise I’ll be around here more often. I have many things that have been bottled up – time to start sharing again!


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Worth it

I made this, this past weekend.. its kind of wonky but it feels right. We are all a little off, a little broken and misshapen, the world makes us this way. Giving us heartaches and leaving us with unanswered questions. It's hard to have faith sometimes, especially when you are angry and confused.

He never said it would be easy but it would be worth it...

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Making Room

We were driving down the road the other day and Lexi pointed out all the birds on the power lines, there had to be at least a hundred just perched on the lines as content as can be. Surrounding them were probably 10-15 more birds flying around, and when one of them needed to land all the other birds perched on the lines would scoot over. They would make room for that bird who needed to rest. Lexi thought that was the coolest thing and said "Mommy those birds are being so nice and thoughtful scooting over for the other birdies!"

Why can't we all be like these birds? Why can't we all scoot over, just a little, to make room for those around us who need to rest?

I fear we are too hard and callous and self absorbed to not even notice when someone appears to need some time just resting.

 My challenge to you today is to slow down. Notice others. Listen, not only with your ears, but with your heart. Pay attention to not only the words they are saying, but the words they aren't saying, look at their body language and if YOU feel like something isn't quite right... offer them some rest. Offer to be that sounding board they may need, offer a hug, offer some coffee, let them know that if they need a safe place to rest, you will happily scoot over and share what you have.

Let's take a lesson from the birds and scoot over and make room for others...


Friday, November 6, 2015

A little Bing in November

I'm already in full "ready for Christmas" mode. Yes, I know that it is still the first week of November, but really, I've always been a fan for the way Christmas makes me feel.

I was really afraid that I would never get back to this point. I know that the holiday season will always feel a little bittersweet, but I can honestly say that this year I'm ready for the holly jolly moments, putting up the tree and celebrating with my family.

So, please excuse me while I jam out to some Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. I'm enjoying the fact that I've found my way back to being able to fully enjoy it.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Never let me forget - Frozen addition

Today Lexi and I went on a surprise mommy daughter date with friends. We went and say Frozen on Ice. Neither of the girls knew where we were going until we walked into the Sprint Center. IT WAS AMAZING!!

Never let me forget the look of wonderment on Lexi's face when the snow started to fall.

Never let me forget Lexi dancing and singing along with nearly every song.

Never let me forget the giggles from the back of the car on the way to and from Frozen.

Never let me forget that Lexi wanted to buy a best friends necklace and gave me the other half of the heart.

Never let me forget that she got a little upset when I told her that she wasn't going to school -- she wanted to go to gym class.

Never let me forget about a friend that has stuck by my side even when it was really hard, she accepted an apology that was extremely overdue and is continually putting so much effort into our friendship -- and I get to do this Mom thing with her.

Off to put Miss Lexi to sleep after a very full day!

What are things that you never want to forget?

Crumbling walls

What do you do? When the walls that you've built up around you begin to crumble? Do you rebuild them? Do you stop and wonder why they are there? Why did you build these walls? Were they for 'protection'? Did you feel safer knowing that these  walls were there? What purpose do these walls serve? And maybe the most important question is do you still feel like those walls belong?

I'd like to say that I don't have walls built up, but I do.. I think everyone does.At one time or another you felt hurt and scared and built the walls because you really had no idea what else to do. Over time the walls started to become part of your foundation. Part of 'who you are'... I'm only saying this because I know its true for me.

I don't know exactly why those walls are still up, and honestly I don't know what happened to make me build them. The hurt and pain have moved on, or I've found my new normal and so it doesn't hurt so much that I feel I need protection. But what is interesting is when someone bumps up against this wall you feel it, like really deep down, in your heart of hearts FEEL that they've hit this barrier. You can't let them any closer, they can't penetrate the wall! (even if you want them to)

Self protection is an interesting concept.

 I'd like to hope, think, pray that the walls that we've all built will one day fall apart. That we don't feel we have to protect ourselves from others. In a world where there is no intentional hurt and the word sorry is commonly said and that it actually means something.

Challenge: Allow your walls to crumble a little. Test it out. See if the tiny cracks that are formed hurt or if they allow you to feel something you haven't felt in a long time, maybe that feeling is good. If you have to, rebuild, reinforce and put up big shiney lights so others won't bump into your walls, but hopefully you'll find that some of these cracks are okay to have.
My walls have cracks that I don't think I'm going to fix... perfect walls don't mean anything if you can't feel anything.


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Finding your place

You hear all the time about finding your place in the world. I've always thought that when you reach this place that you'd know. Deep down in some secret place you would feel calm with everything and KNOW that you had made it.

I don't know that I've ever really 'found my place' in this world - should I be worried? I have a very strong belief that I have discovered, by way of heartbreak, part of my purpose in this world, but deep down I don't feel like its my only purpose or where my 'place' is.

That got me thinking - what if that 'place' is a constant moving target? What if one day you can feel all settled, warm and cozy knowing you've found it and the next day its gone? I would be beyond depressed! Because I mean, I WAS THERE!!! But, what if each step we take leads us closer or maybe further from where our current place should be? How scary, yet how exciting?!

I think that striving to always be at the top of your game and finding your place is great motivation... I just wonder if the constant running towards what we think is our place is really keeping us from living in the brief moments when where we and where our 'place' is are the exact same spot.

We move around this world at lightening speed, going from meeting to meeting, activity to activity, putting focus on things that possibly aren't all that important. We are rarely slowing down to take a breather and take stock in ourselves. Figuring out where my place in this world is hard work, exhausting at times and exhilarating at others and I hope, sometimes that I can slow down enough to feel that for a moment I am standing in the same spot as my 'place' is.