Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Four Years later

Its so hard to believe that four years ago Logan died. Some days it feels like it was a dream. That all that heartache, all the tears, all the pain was just a dream. Honestly if you look at me, the things I do, the clothes I wear, the words I say, there is nothing - NOTHING that would clue you in on how drastically my life changed. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you'll see the changes, how I sometimes get quite when the mention of a baby is brought up. How I might go a little overboard and be over exuberent to mask my hurt. How I shrug off the questions and comments of "when are you going to have another" or 'you know, Lexi needs a playmate'. The unfallen tear in my eye when someone remembers Logan and speaks his name. Some days, I get sucked into that thinking that my grief is over. I can tell you for a fact that I will ALWAYS grieve the passing of my son. He may not have lived outside of my womb, but he did live. He impacted so many lives while he was with me physically. And in these past four years, he has been a conduit of wonderful graces. He's allowed me to offer support to others that I wouldn't have even known needed it. I've opened conversations that have lead to healing. Logan has changed me in so many ways and has impacted so many lives since his passing. I have thought about what I would say on here today - previously I've shared the step by step of what my day(s) were like, I've shared how much my world has changed in the 1,2 and 3 years since he left us and each year that passes new things change and my new normal becomes a new new normal. I think the main thing I want to share today is that as hard and as painful as it may be, tomorrow comes, and with that tomorrow a piece of you heals. Healing is a hard, messy and (I hate to say it) never ending process. There is no defined stopping place. It isn't like, okay I've got another 3 months and then I'm going to be ALL better. But there are times when healing takes place and you don't even realize it. Don't feel bad about the healing that comes easier. Extend yourself grace for the times that healing makes you into some crazy person from an alternative universe. Give yourself time to feel the things you are feeling, right now. Don't hide yourself for fear of what others will think, this is your journey and you are going to traverse it in whatever way you see fit. Know that when you are climbing up that painful hill that it will be a little while before you have to do it again, and even if this hill is a long one, there is a side that goes down, and that will give you a little time to breathe. And above all, know that you are capable of moving forward. I never say moving on, because I feel that is impossible, to me it sounds like moving on is leaving any reminents of the struggle behind you, and that would be such a shame. That struggle is going to transform into something beautiful, your new normal. You way of getting from one day to the next, and its going to incorporate smiles and laughter along with the tears and hurt. There is a lot of freedom in finding your new normal - as painful as it may be, explore it. Move forward and find your new normal... Happy Angelversay sweet Logan. You are thought of and missed and loved every single day! I hope today is filled with fire trucks and teddy bears and a play workbench for you to do some 'tinkering'... Listen for your song later on tonight. We will let Lexi blow out your candles for you, she planned on making you a birthday card but didn't know how you would get it. I told her that you just would. Love you baby - MOM