Tuesday, January 29, 2013


I've been blessed. Really. My entire life, I've never had a shortage of blessings. Even in the deepest toughest experiences there have been blessings.

One of the blessings that I've recently had is forgiveness and understanding.

And forgiveness and understanding from family is the best.

One of the relationships that really went south a couple years ago was with Mr. Clear's family. The relationship with his family was never what I would call close, but it was still a relationship, tested and cracked, but still there. We pulled away for many reasons, but most of which was our pride and our feelings, when we didn't have words to express our hurt. It has always been hard for me to not have family around. My family is all gone from Kansas (besides my friends who are like my family). And I've always ALWAYS been a person who believed that family is important.

Last summer Johnny's sister popped by the house, totally unexpected, but I'm completely thankful that she did. Since then we've texted back and forth, kept in contact a little, very nonshalantly.
Remember my post about being intentional? I've really decided to take that to heart. So I've sought out opportunities to spend more time with my sister in law and her family. I've been intentional by asking for forgiveness for our shortcomings. I've asked to be more involved. I've become more honest with them than I ever was, about my feelings, about our family, about our loss, about our hurt. Every time I've opened up, I've been received with open arms. It has really done my heart some good to know that I've set to clearing the path that we've made a mess. I know that there is much work to be done, but its a start.

The mister has a brother too. He's in the Navy. We haven't seen him since before Lexi was born. He had never met her, until this past weekend. I walked into my SIL house and he was there to great me, again, with open arms. A big hug. I literally had to hold back tears. I didn't get to ask for forgiveness, but I felt it was given. Lexi was being her shy little self and didn't really pay much attention to him, but He's still here for about a week, and I want to work on that! I want him to enjoy little miss the way she is, attitude and all!

The thing about forgiveness is that most times, its given without asking for it. There comes this time when the world gets awkward. You want to make things better, but you don't know the words to say... sometimes there are no words to say. I've been blessed with forgiveness by being open and honest. I've been blessed with forgiveness by doing nothing but hugging. Its amazing how matters of the heart can be so simple, if you only stop holding on to the fear.

What have you been fearing? What do you want to ask forgiveness for? What's stopping you?

Friday, January 4, 2013

change in perspective

Unconditional love is a hard thing. And building a relationship off of unconditional love is a really hard thing. Have you ever stopped to think about unconditional love? Its like a promise that no matter what a person does you still love them. Everything these days has conditions on it. I'll admit, I've put conditions on my relationships, unintentionally, but they are there. You do this for me and I'll continue to love you. I mean I don't say that out loud, but its there. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but it also makes me human... it also allows me to accept that this is a place that I need to focus on. An area in my life that needs work.
I've told you how the mister lost his job. I'll admit that it is completely stressing me out, but I have to have faith that something will turn up. But its also shown me this side of my heart. I feel like I'm taking on the entire load right now and that its all me, financially right at this moment, that may be true. However my side is not the only side, finances is not the only load to be held right now. Johnny is holding a lot too. He's holding the fear that he may not be able to find a job, that he may not be able to help pay the bills, that he may not be living up to his expectations of himself. Boom... that's a lot to put on a person. I am worrying about tangible things while he is worrying about his self worth... and he's doing a damn good job of taking on the household chores while still battling the self worth issues.
Last night I got home after work and was dog tired. He could see it. He told me to go to bed, of course I fought it. He warmed up dinner and allowed me to go change out of my work clothes and spend a little time with Lexi. I hadn't noticed right off, but he'd done the dishes and done a couple loads of laundry. He'd also picked up and swept the living room. He allowed me to go tanning and spend a little me time. He tucked me into bed and told me he would put little one down for bed while stroking my hair, gave me a kiss and told me to have sweet dreams.
As I laid in bed I overheard him talking sweet words to our baby girl. Knowing he was frustrated with the fact that it was now 11:30 and she still wasn't in bed asleep, but instead of getting angry he offered to cuddle. I began to feel a bit guilty (don't even know that is the right word) I know that we will make it through this rough patch financially, faith... I realized that I've got the weight of nothing on my shoulders when compared to this man who is dealing so much and still using kind words and loving actions. He's questioning his entire existence but yet still holding tight the ones that help him exist.

He's amazing.  He's my cheerleader. He's the one the pushes me. He made me a mother. He made me a wife. He's held my hand. He's dried my tears. He IS unconditional love.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year

Yesterday I took the day off from work and we had a play day! It snowed all day long this wet snow perfect for a snowman!!! Here are some pics from yesterday.  I hope you have started out your new year being surrounded by love and happiness. This year is what you make of it. Make it great!!