Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Honesty in dreams

I get this question a lot. How many kids do you have? I answer, depending on how much or how little this person is going to be in my life... for those just passing through, the answer is one, for those that are going to kick off their shoes and stay a while, I'll say we have Lexi and our Angel Logan, which usually prompts the conversation detailing how and when Logan died. Inevitably the question is asked, well, are you going to have another? My blanket answer is, In time... Even family and friends who have asked when we are going to try again, the answer is, we've talked about it, in time... I've honestly felt like I was ready to start trying for another child. Going down that scary road of hope, knowing that not all times that road ends in the happy arrival of a beautiful baby. I will be honest in saying that the thought of another child has sometimes consumed me, grasping and desperatly wanting something to make things 'right.' I know that another child will not replace the fact that we lost Logan... nor would I want another child to replace that. I've heard and read so many times that having a child after losing one often helps to heal your heart in places you didn't even know was broken - BOOM, that's what I want! I'm feeling okay, really I am, but I just feel like something is missing. The mister and I have had several conversations about having another child, he just isn't ready yet, and I have been okay with that... but also anxious to get this show on the road. It wasn't until a couple weeks ago that we sat down and actually had a conversation about losing Logan and having another child. He admitted that he really isn't ready and at that moment, it hit me.. all this time I thought I was ready for anothr child, I was rushing him in his process of grief... wow, look at how supportive I am :( UGH.. Grief is really something a person has to struggle through on their own timeline, when they are ready, no time lines and no perfect way to do it. - So, I've backed off, not brought up anything about having another child since this time, holding my toungue a bit, but not too bad... this obviously gave my brain a break to think about the reality of it all.... Last night, we went to sleep a little early, Lexi had fallen asleep on the couch and this was our opportunity to fall asleep, without a kiddos foot on our heads or a right hook into the jaw :) I fell asleep fairly fast, which is a rarety and was instantly in the most realistic dream: We were at my parents house, just visiting... Lexi is running around with the cat and having a good time... My mom brings my dad a glass of tea and Lexi notices this, she climbs up on dad's lap and says, 'Papa, I'm firsty' it's their code for share your tea with me... so she takes a drink and jumps off his lap to continue to play with the cat. Dad looks over at me and says, 'You know what I think we need' and I finish his sentence with 'another grandbaby?'... 'Exactly!' at this point in my dream I can actually feel myself tense up and I reach for Johnny's hand and say.. 'You know what Dad, I don't know that is going to happen for a while, because we are so damn terrified!' Dad, being caught off guard looks at me quizzically as I start crying. 'We are scared to go down a road that we don't know where it leads. We have Lexi, can't we just be satisfied that we have her? Why are you asking us to take the chance at additional heartache?' again, Dad, just sits there and Mom comes and sits at the table too, she takes his hands and they both just stare at me, at us... disbelief and what I can only assume horror on their faces. I continue to say that I wish we could have another child and not have the fear of what we know can happen, but that isn't the case... Dad, then takes both Johnny and my hand and simply says, 'There isn't a road in life worth taking that doesn't have some sharp turns, bumpy patches and even some detours to unexpected places... sometimes these roads take you down a fearful path to show you what you are capable of.' With tears in my eyes I woke up, snuggled closer to my sleeping husband and knew that whatever road we go down, we are very capable. I didn't realize that I still had such strong fearful feeling about having another child, but I do know that, I've got the best support system around to go down these roads.

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