Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The rambling mind of a babyloss mom

So I hate to think of myself set in this “babyloss world” but the fact is.. I am living if everyday. Not a moment goes by that I don’t have Logan on my mind. He may not be the thing front in center in my mind, but it is amazing how fast he can get there. I know that there are people out there that just don’t get it.. and honestly I thank God that they don’t. I never ever want anyone to have to go through the pain and suffering we have gone through and are still going through. I know that some may think that it is odd that I want to write or talk about my dead son and that’s okay. I have those people that I can talk to about it and although a majority of them don’t truly understand, at least they acknowledge that they don’t understand but they are there for me, whenever I want to talk… and I know that.

Yesterday Robin, the kids and I went to the zoo. I had a great time and I think they did too, but it was still a little bittersweet for me, simply because I should have had a three month in tow along with My 19 month old. I really wonder if the bittersweet taste of everything will ever go away. Alexandria was drinking her Bug Juice and it made the inside of her lips this bright purplish red, the color that I remember Logan’s lips being and BOOM there was a pain that ran deep down inside. I didn’t cry.. I didn’t even bring attention to it to Robin, but wow, something so weird, so simple, so small could have taken me down if I had let it. Part of me was a little afraid that it wasn’t her drink that had made her lips that color. Sounds like silly fear, but since we don’t really know why Logan died I am a little over-protective of things that Lexi does and if she’s okay or not. Something else that I hope will subside sooner rather than later, I’m also sure that Johnny and Lexi hope for this too!

But anyway, back to the zoo, Here are some pics Lexi riding a carousel for the first time (it makes me proud to be a mom of a little girl so independent, but makes me so weepy to think that she’s growing up to be independent). We have pics of Lindsey being her Rockstar self! Wyatt and his cool SpiderMan hat (that is now a permanent resident of the Kansas City Zoo) and a pic of Robin and I!!!



So, Tomorrow will be Logan’s seven month Angelversary. Will you all just think of him and do something kind in his honor? Nothing big, something simple, I’ve always thought that sharing a smile with a stranger can mean more and be shared so easily, so I guess your challenge, should you choose to accept it… smile at a stranger tomorrow or the next day or even the next, but when you do, just think of our Logan. Good night all!

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