Friday, January 4, 2013

change in perspective

Unconditional love is a hard thing. And building a relationship off of unconditional love is a really hard thing. Have you ever stopped to think about unconditional love? Its like a promise that no matter what a person does you still love them. Everything these days has conditions on it. I'll admit, I've put conditions on my relationships, unintentionally, but they are there. You do this for me and I'll continue to love you. I mean I don't say that out loud, but its there. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but it also makes me human... it also allows me to accept that this is a place that I need to focus on. An area in my life that needs work.
I've told you how the mister lost his job. I'll admit that it is completely stressing me out, but I have to have faith that something will turn up. But its also shown me this side of my heart. I feel like I'm taking on the entire load right now and that its all me, financially right at this moment, that may be true. However my side is not the only side, finances is not the only load to be held right now. Johnny is holding a lot too. He's holding the fear that he may not be able to find a job, that he may not be able to help pay the bills, that he may not be living up to his expectations of himself. Boom... that's a lot to put on a person. I am worrying about tangible things while he is worrying about his self worth... and he's doing a damn good job of taking on the household chores while still battling the self worth issues.
Last night I got home after work and was dog tired. He could see it. He told me to go to bed, of course I fought it. He warmed up dinner and allowed me to go change out of my work clothes and spend a little time with Lexi. I hadn't noticed right off, but he'd done the dishes and done a couple loads of laundry. He'd also picked up and swept the living room. He allowed me to go tanning and spend a little me time. He tucked me into bed and told me he would put little one down for bed while stroking my hair, gave me a kiss and told me to have sweet dreams.
As I laid in bed I overheard him talking sweet words to our baby girl. Knowing he was frustrated with the fact that it was now 11:30 and she still wasn't in bed asleep, but instead of getting angry he offered to cuddle. I began to feel a bit guilty (don't even know that is the right word) I know that we will make it through this rough patch financially, faith... I realized that I've got the weight of nothing on my shoulders when compared to this man who is dealing so much and still using kind words and loving actions. He's questioning his entire existence but yet still holding tight the ones that help him exist.

He's amazing.  He's my cheerleader. He's the one the pushes me. He made me a mother. He made me a wife. He's held my hand. He's dried my tears. He IS unconditional love.

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