Closure with a constant reminder

This weekend the mister and I finally got tatoos to memorialize Logan. We have talked about getting these tattoos really since Logan died, we knew that he was a part of us and we wanted to have a constant reminder, a symbol, of him being close to us.

Mine is Logan's foot prints in a heart with wings. I'm in LOVE! (please excuse the flab... :) )

Johnny's is a celtic cross, filled with fathers knots with Logan's name and his angelversary date.

It was a great experience. I was so nervous because I went by myself. Johnny was supposed to be there with me, however they called after Lexi had gone to sleep and there was NO way we were going to wake her up. It feels, now, like it was supposed to be just me. A time for me to reflect, to tell Logan's story to a person who I have no connections to. To relive the pain, but also reflect on the many blessing Logan has created. While he (Joel)  was doing my tattoo he made a comment that stuck with me. "Sometimes the easiest way to have closure is to have a constant reminder." EXACTLY!

Stay strong in those moments of weakness, you never know what lesson  you are learning, but rest assured there is a lesson there.

Have you ever done something to help with closure that is a constant reminder? I'd love to hear about it!

(Oh the tatoo place that we did these at is call Aftershock Tatto in Olathe, Ks. Joel Jenkins did these tattoos for us and even if he never finds out that I've posted this, he deserves the biggest shout out, he did these tattoos with such grace and kindness that it blew both Johnny and I away)

guilt

I’ll be honest. Here recently I’ve felt guilty. I’ve felt that I’ve let down my little boy down. When Logan died I knew that there was a purpose. One that, possibly, I made up, to make me feel better or to make the reason he died concrete instead of he just did. Maybe it was divinely given to me. Maybe it has made me feel better that because of Logan I feel that I have a purpose; to share his story. To help others going through the same thing that we did. To make sure others knew they weren’t alone. I’ve really questioned how easily I came to the conclusion that it was ‘okay’ that Logan died because of these reasons… Is it God’s grace that I’ve allowed myself to move forward? Is it ignorance? Is it stupidity? I really don’t know. But I’m thankful.



I find myself feeling guilty for many different reasons. One is that I’m not doing the walk this year. Seriously breaks my heart, but with the cost of all of the things I just can’t afford to do it. It scares me that if I skip this year that it won’t be nearly as important to others next year. That’s something that I just have to pray about and trust that God will provide. Another reason I feel guilty is that I feel that I’m coping much better with losing Logan than Mr. Clear is. I know that everyone grieves differently in different timelines and in different ways, but I’m afraid that I need to hold myself back or I’m going to get frustrated, I just have to remember that we all deal with loss differently. Another reason I feel guilty, and this one is as backwards as can be, every time I tell my story about Logan, or offer myself to someone who has suffered a loss, every time I make known that I’ve lost a child, I feel guilty that I may be shattering the dreams of a pregnant soon to be mom. I know that when I was pregnant with Lexi there were people that had lost babies to miscarriage and I just simply didn’t want to hear it, so I ignored them. I somehow feel guilty about being so open about our loss. Backwards? I think so!



Guilt is so strange. It shows you where you are weak, it shows you where you are strong, but it’s something that we have to allow God to give us grace with as well. I am working on praying more about my guilt issues. I pray that God gives me the grace to forgive myself for feeling guilty. I pray that God will show us all the grace for feeling guilt.