Thursday, October 13, 2011

Scary and exciting

Hi all! Some of you know that and friend ( a HUGE shout out to Jen) and I are putting together a walk. A Walk to Remember. It’s on Sunday. I am so excited about this walk. I am also so nervous about this walk. It’s a little hard to explain why I am so nervous. I am giving a speech, but that isn’t the thing I am most nervous about. I think the thing that gets me is that there are other people who have invested money, who have set aside at least four hours to spend time doing something that I envisioned. It feels like these people have agreed with me that this is an important event. This the babyloss community needs awareness, needs support and needs something out there for others to take part in. There are 67 people who have registered for this walk. A majority of these people I don’t know. I’ve never met them, I’ve never spoken with them, but we are all connected. We all understand the pain, the grief, the emptiness. There are people who have registered that will have to drive an hour just to get to the walk. I had another lady ask me about the walk who would have had to drive over an hour and a half to come and participate. And to think that we didn’t do a lot of advertising besides of facebook and Overland Park Regional.

I originally wanted to do this as a way to do something with my feelings… I felt that God had chosen me, us, to take the loss and make something beautiful out of it. The Logan Clear Foundation might be several years away, but this walk was something that we could put together and do right now. In planning this walk it showed me that there is such a need for the support that TLCF would give. I’ve sent several emails to different attorneys around the metro asking if they could help me complete and file the paperwork to start the process to become a non profit and sadly I’ve only gotten, no, sorry, I’m no the right kind of attorney or the last one was, our plate is really full right now, but good luck.. really? You can’t even point me in the right direction? How difficult would that be??? But you know… God is going to provide this to me. I have such a feeling in my heart that this foundation needs to happen. No is not an option for me. It will happen.

Okay, I mentioned that I was going to give a speech. I’ll give you a sneak preview. Please be kind… these words are coming from my heart and reaching out to those who have suffered a loss whether directly or indirectly the pain is still there:

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you."

-Winnie the Pooh

Thank you all for coming today to walk, to remember, to share. I know it takes courage to come out and speak about your loss, or losses. Some of you I know, some of you I don’t, but the one thing that we all share is that we have been affected by the loss of a child. We have all joined a club, a club that none of us ever wanted to join. A club that we never thought about until that day we were initiated. It’s not a club that I wish for anyone else in this entire world to join, but sadly, there are more and more members everyday. My name is Heather Clear and I became part of our ‘club’ on December 2nd, 2010.

When Johnny and I lost Logan we were in complete shock, disbelief and angry. We were so confused as to how this could happen to us; my pregnancy had gone perfect, no issues, no signs, no warnings of what was to come. Logan was supposed to round out our family and make us a family of four. We have Lexi, beautiful and full of spunk a live wire, Logan was, in our minds, going to be the cool, calm and collective one, he was going to make our family complete! Never did I think that I would be a mom to an Angel baby.

It’s interesting how one can be going down the road of life, thinking that they’ve got some control... Life is happening the way they’ve planned, they must be doing something right! I was on that road… So happy because we were expecting another child, looking forward to all the memories that were going to be made, planning for the future; taking the him home, staying up at night and happily complaining because it feels like I haven’t had sleep in years, planning birthday parties, sleepovers, the first day of school, first loves, first heartbreaks, making plans on how we were going to be there to support and guide our child through, when in fact those are the memories that we will grieve over, they will never happen. The road of life often looks different when you look back on where you’ve been than it did when you first started your journey.

I thought this walk would be an important part of my journey, figuring out how to live life after losing Logan. It has been very therapeutic and also so much more rewarding than I ever thought it could be. I’ve made connections with other families who have experienced loss. I’ve found that I can offer support. I can be there for other people. I’ve discovered that I am still Heather, I’m just a different Heather.. I am still a positive person. I still smile, I still laugh, I still think that people are inherently good. But I also get sad when I see a baby boy that is about 8 months old, I get a little sad when I hear a baby cry, I get a little sad when I see little blue socks. I have a piece of my heart that is missing; no matter what we are celebrating or where ever we are there is a piece of our family that isn’t here. My life has more bittersweet moments than it did before and I believe that it always will. But I’ve also discovered some wonderful things, I love deeper than I did before, I have more compassion for others and I allow myself to be who I am.

I have had so many wonderful things happen to me in my life. And I know that there are many more wonderful things yet to happen. I believe that meeting all of you and sharing with all of you is one of those wonderful things. Thank you for welcoming me into this club with open arms full of understanding and full of hope. Thank you for joining me on my journey and allowing me to be a part of yours. I hope that you can look back on this day and remember it as a good day. A day that you might have cried a little, a day that you might have smiled a little, a day that you hopefully made a connection with another person who understands your grief, a day you found support you had been lacking, a day that you remembered.


I'll post pics of the walk on Monday.

Love to all!

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