Two years ago today…
Two years ago today my life was changed forever. We found out that our precious Logan’s heart had stopped beating. Last year I posted about our experience when we lost Logan, here, here and here.
This year I’m going to post about how much a person can grow from this kind of experience. So many things have happened in our lives since then, some great, some not so great and some we are still learning from. We’ve put together TWO events( here and here) in honor of Infant and pregnancy loss awareness. I’ve gained such a different perspective of life, that no matter how great you do things, how many things you do to help others, that sometimes, things can still go wrong. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you planned. And it’s breathtaking, shocking and disheartening when these things happen. However, it is the way you choose to look at these events, or lack of events. You perception can either help you grow, help you discover different things about yourself and others, OR you can choose to become bitter, scarred and almost hateful… it’s all in what you choose!
I’m not going to say that there aren’t still days that I’m bitter about losing Logan, I can take myself down a very scary path of picking apart my entire pregnancy, picking apart my entire life up to that point. I can easily feel like God has punished me for doing something wrong, maybe that piece of candy that I ate at the grocery store when I was 9 and I didn’t pay for it, maybe because I punished Lexi to harshly when she spilled something… When you allow yourself to go down that road you tend to start feeling that maybe it was a good thing that you didn’t ‘get you way’… Maybe God was right to ‘punish’ you… It’s a very very slippery slope and one that I try to stay away from.
Most days are good. Most days I get through it just fine knowing that I still don’t really understand why God chose us to lose a child, but knowing and having faith that there is a reason. I really do believe that one of my purposes in life is to become an advocate for other families who have lost a child… but I also feel like that simply isn’t enough. I feel like Logan’s legacy is so much bigger than my advocacy. It’s like I’m searching for a big old bright blinking sign that says “HEY HEATHER… IT’S OVER HERE!”
I’ve met some GREAT people along the way. I’ve met some people who will forever and always be in my life. Some people have always been there, some were presented to me when we lost Logan, but I feel confident that my life will not be complete without them. My family has provided me with such tremendous support. I’ve never ever felt a day that I had to hide what I was feeling, what I was thinking or that I had to filter what I wanted to say. THAT HAS HELPED ME IN MORE WAYS THAT I CAN EVEN DESCRIBE. We have had some family relationships that have fallen apart. When I look back at those particular relationships I can see that they were strained to begin with. When you add additional stress to those relationships it just makes them break. I think that a lot of people are lost for words when a situation like child loss comes up. No one knows what to say, or they fear that they say the wrong things so nothing is said and then the bereaved parents takes that as an insult, as these other people don’t care... I know now that it’s not that they don’t care, it’s just hard… and then, there is a separation for so long that it’s just uncomfortable and let’s face it, no one likes to be uncomfortable. I’d like to fix these broken relationships, but sometimes breaks aren’t fixable.
I’ve found strength in me that I didn’t know I had. I often here others say that they wouldn’t be able to go through losing a child as well as I did… you know what, I did what I had to do. I followed my heart and went in the direction it lead me. Sure it’s hard, sure it’s scary, but somewhere you’ve got to believe that these things to happen for a reason. That has helped with every step that I’ve taken. Being informed has also helped. Knowing that I didn’t make Logan die. Knowing that because I didn’t take a prenatal vitamin for the last month of his life he would have died anyway. It sounds weird but the entire time I was in the hospital, up to the moment that we saw Logan, I was determined that I had killed him. Since then Johnny has had the same thoughts because he had worked with lead paint… it’s hard to keep those things out of your mind, REALLY HARD. Logan had a genetic defect that caused him to die, a GENETIC defect. Not Heather forgot to take a prenatal vitamin with DHA and her son died. Try repeating that in your head every day of your life!!
I guess my entire reason for this post is to make sure that others know that it does get better… not in a sense that the heartache is somehow miraculously fixed, because it’s not, that hole in your heart stays there forever, but the heartache doesn’t hurt as bad. You can move forward in your life, you can be happy again and not feel guilty. You baby touched your life and brought you so much happiness for the small time they were with you, but those that touch our hearts are never truly gone.
Love the ones that you’ve held, love the ones you get to hold… just remember that LOVE can conquer all.
So here we are getting ready to celebrate Logan’s 2nd Angelversary… Happy Angelversary buddy… please try to be a blessing to all the other littles that join you in Heaven. Show them the way. Show them how to touch their mommy’s heart the way you do every single day.