Never let me forget

Today is the mister and I's anniversary. 11 years married. Seems almost like yesterday and fifty years ago at the same time. Anniversaries, birthdays, new babies, the passing of loved ones always makes me feel like reminiscing.

I've had a pretty great life, thus far... God willing I'll have a ton more to live, but I feel fulfilled when I look back. But I'm afraid I'm missing things. Like I've forgot some great memories that could help keep my reminiscing cup overflowing. So today, I'm going to start off a list of "never let me forget"s... to serve as reminders of great moments.

Never Let me Forget

What it feels like to lay in bed being the meat of a Heather sandwich. The mister on one side and Miss Lexi on the other. I may be sweating, but I'm surrounded by LOVE.

What my dad's voice sounds like when he's telling a story about when he grew up. How is eyes crinkle when he smiles and his laugh resonates through the house.

How my sister, Laura, and I can laugh at the same thing over and over again, half of it is because we are usually so sleep deprived we are giggly messes and the other part is that we have the same sense of humor.

How our neighbor, Mister Ed, is always more than happy to cut off all the blooms on his roses just to see Lexi smile.

How the excitement of a camping trip makes me feel like I'm 10 years old again.

That last night, I sat on the couch with the mister and we told each other Happy Anniversary, just in case we forgot today and we both laughed at how our expectations for our marriage have changed so drastically in 11 years.H- "Oh by the way, I didn't get you anything." J-"Yeah, me neither... But if you want something I'll go get it." H-"Nope... because then I'll feel guilty" J-" So,Happy early Anniversary" H-"You too."

There will be more of these. Serving as reminders that life is a roller coaster and we need to celebrate what we can, when we can.

The ever persistent earthworm

Today is a rainy day here in Kansas. Its been raining on and off for the past couple of days... good long soaking spring days. I know that many tire quickly from the rain; it is not often enjoyable to go on long walks in the park while its raining, I don't know of many people that would choose to sit on a patio to eat dinner in the rain. Today, the rain showed me something - the definition of persistance.

According to the interwebs, persistence is a noun and means "

firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition".

 

Today I was walking along the sidewalk and glanced down to find an earthworm slowly climbing out of the wet ground onto the concrete. It got me thinking. How long had he been moving, inching his way to get to the surface? Did he start the moment the ground around him became damp? Did he have to struggle through layers and layers of dry dirt, damp dirt and then the thickest of all mud? Why did he do this? To survivie... in order for him to survive he traveled a long, hard journey.  It gave me a flashback: In the flood of 1993 I remember going out with my family to look at the damage the flood was doing to areas around our home. The river had overrun its banks and had taken a new path right over a main road between our small town and the next. As we walked up to where this new path of water was raging we noticed hundreds of earthworms, all at the edge of the water, slowly inching away from the torrential current of the river. I had never seen anything like it before or since.

 

Those earthworms could be the picture child of the word persistence. Right next to the word in the Webster dictionary. I'm serious. Think about how hard they work, how many obstacles they have overcome in order to live another day. I don't believe that they do it to impress other earthworms, they do it, because its what has to be done.

 

Over the past year I've learned that persistence is a trait that I have become to admire and strive to have. Doing something with purpose, no matter what difficulty or obstacle you face, because its what you feel is right, its what you feel has to be done. Its not to win a popularity contest, or to win over that person you are trying to impress. Its being authentic with yourself and others, working towards a goal with purpose.

 

Slowly I'm inching and edging my way there... I really think I'm only in the part of the dirt that is just damp, I've got some harder dirt to move and I'm sure that I'll get stuck more than a couple of times in the mud, but it will be worth it. On that day that persistence is part of my personality traits I'll be able to smile in the sun. Sure I'll be dirty and muddy and may be laying on the ground, but I will also be proud and triumphant and able to breathe!

 

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter how hard life is to get through some days, being persistant and working through the mud is far better than staying put and suffocating.

 

When the world starts raining on your dirt pile, be the ever persistant earthworm.

 

Confidence

Last week little miss priss brought home a paper from school that said she had decided to be helpful by getting herself dressed in the mornings. This has been a huge struggle for us so lets say this all together - hallelujah... HALLELUJAH!

The outfits she has chosen have not been something that I would have picked out, but many many wise mothers have drilled into my head that I need to pick my battles (especially with a kiddo who is super duper headstrong)... anyway, getting back to the outfits I mean seriously, stripes and polka dots and all colors of the rainbow in one outfit, admittedly it makes me cringe, but then I stop - Looking at her she is radiant, not from her clothes but the confidence that she is exuding, from within. Its almost a confidence you can feel and taste - she is who she is, without question, hesitation or apology. Its awe inspiring and to stop and realize that it is coming from a 5 year old just BLOWS ME AWAY.

I'm thankful beyond words that she has this confidence. I'm thankful that she doesn't have a fear of judgement. I know that the years where she will second guess herself are coming. Creeping into her happy, carefree, confident spirit. I just hope and pray that those times when she does second guess herself, she chooses to be happy with who she is. I hope and pray that her confidence stays in moments of tough decision making, in moments of peer pressure and in moments when she is 15, staring in the mirror wondering if she is enough.

Baby girl, just remember that you are so special to so many people - The people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind - Be yourself in everything you do.

Bathroom Stalls

I went into work today to catch up on some things that I needed to do. No one else was in the office, just me, the entire floor was empty except for my typing little fingers. Nature called and I went into the bathroom which normally has at least one other person in it and it struck me as I entered my 'normal' stall... why do I always go to this stall? What is it about this one particular bathroom stall that feels, dare I say, Welcoming? I do believe that we are all creatures of habit, whether we realize it or not. Do you park in the same parking spot every day? Do you order the same thing at a certain restraunt? While grocery shopping do you take the same route every time? Do You take the same route driving even though you know you could shave off at least five minutes going a different way? What is it that makes us do this? I try to kid myself and rationalize that its better that way; I won't forget where I parked, or I won't forget that item in the store. But really, its because its easy to do, there is nothing challenging or uncomfortable about knowing exactly what way you are going to proceed with a certain activity. I am certainly a non-rule breaker, a person that makes lists and lists of lists, plans and overplans the things that I can and fret over most of the things that I can't make a list or plan for. So, after a little while at work nature called again, I forced myself to go to a different stall, it was weird, it felt like I was out of place and I felt like I didn't have all I needed (i.e. toilet and toilet paper) but I did, they were just in a different place... and after I was done I realized that really the different stall wasn't so bad, it was just DIFFERENT.... So today, for all of my fellow planners, those that have your certain parking spot, grocery store route or restraunt order- reach, stretch and challenge yourself to switch it up a bit, you might find that things are better a different way... Change your bathroom stall. Have a great weekend! H

Four Years later

Its so hard to believe that four years ago Logan died. Some days it feels like it was a dream. That all that heartache, all the tears, all the pain was just a dream. Honestly if you look at me, the things I do, the clothes I wear, the words I say, there is nothing - NOTHING that would clue you in on how drastically my life changed. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you'll see the changes, how I sometimes get quite when the mention of a baby is brought up. How I might go a little overboard and be over exuberent to mask my hurt. How I shrug off the questions and comments of "when are you going to have another" or 'you know, Lexi needs a playmate'. The unfallen tear in my eye when someone remembers Logan and speaks his name. Some days, I get sucked into that thinking that my grief is over. I can tell you for a fact that I will ALWAYS grieve the passing of my son. He may not have lived outside of my womb, but he did live. He impacted so many lives while he was with me physically. And in these past four years, he has been a conduit of wonderful graces. He's allowed me to offer support to others that I wouldn't have even known needed it. I've opened conversations that have lead to healing. Logan has changed me in so many ways and has impacted so many lives since his passing. I have thought about what I would say on here today - previously I've shared the step by step of what my day(s) were like, I've shared how much my world has changed in the 1,2 and 3 years since he left us and each year that passes new things change and my new normal becomes a new new normal. I think the main thing I want to share today is that as hard and as painful as it may be, tomorrow comes, and with that tomorrow a piece of you heals. Healing is a hard, messy and (I hate to say it) never ending process. There is no defined stopping place. It isn't like, okay I've got another 3 months and then I'm going to be ALL better. But there are times when healing takes place and you don't even realize it. Don't feel bad about the healing that comes easier. Extend yourself grace for the times that healing makes you into some crazy person from an alternative universe. Give yourself time to feel the things you are feeling, right now. Don't hide yourself for fear of what others will think, this is your journey and you are going to traverse it in whatever way you see fit. Know that when you are climbing up that painful hill that it will be a little while before you have to do it again, and even if this hill is a long one, there is a side that goes down, and that will give you a little time to breathe. And above all, know that you are capable of moving forward. I never say moving on, because I feel that is impossible, to me it sounds like moving on is leaving any reminents of the struggle behind you, and that would be such a shame. That struggle is going to transform into something beautiful, your new normal. You way of getting from one day to the next, and its going to incorporate smiles and laughter along with the tears and hurt. There is a lot of freedom in finding your new normal - as painful as it may be, explore it. Move forward and find your new normal... Happy Angelversay sweet Logan. You are thought of and missed and loved every single day! I hope today is filled with fire trucks and teddy bears and a play workbench for you to do some 'tinkering'... Listen for your song later on tonight. We will let Lexi blow out your candles for you, she planned on making you a birthday card but didn't know how you would get it. I told her that you just would. Love you baby - MOM

Thankful

Its getting closer. The time of year where my heart aches a bit more. Where the wounds that have scabbed over start to seep a little as if the skin around them have been pulled apart. Every year when Thanksgiving comes around I'm reminded of four years ago, I was pregnant with Logan and life seemed to be on the track that I thought it should be on. We all know that in fact my life was ready to take a steep dive into a roller coaster of ups and downs and great heartache. I'd be lying if I said that I don't get a bit sad and bitter around this time of year. And I'd also be lying if I said that over the past four years that the sadness and bitter feelings that I have are the same inensity that they were at years one, two or even three. My heart is joyful with the blessing that I have. I enjoy my days with many more laughs and smiles - I don't let the sadness or bitterness stop me from living a full life of happiness. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that I've grown over these past four years. I've grown to be more understanding. I've allowed myself to open up much more than I even was before. I've allowed myself to fail, and fail in front of many people. I've shown more weakness than I would have ever allowed myself to show, I've learned to extend myself grace. I've also learned to shelter myself from things or people that may hurt me. My heart is more tender, brokenness has done that. I've learned that it is okay to say no, even to those that are most important in your life. This week of Thanksgiving I am going to focus on my joys. Focus on the things that make me happy. I'm also going to focus on the blessings that may have hurt in the beginning but have lead me to this new normal of understanding, tender heartedness and grace. I'm thankful for where I am in this journey of life. I'm thankful for those who have walked with me through this change. I'm thankful for the ability to see the blessings in this mess. Happy Thanksgiving world - make it a great one!

Unsaid Words

I have this person in my life who has words that have been unsaid for such a long time. Its a struggle to say them. But I imagine its an even bigger struggle to hold on to them for such a long time. These words, that haven't been said, are BIG, HUGE, IMPORTANT words. Words that can heal hurts and shatter hearts at the same time. Behind these words are feelings that I can't even imagine feeling. It makes me so sad that some feel like these feelings and words shouldn't be said/felt. I was brought up in a great household. My parents are still married and exude the kind of love and happiness I can only stive for. I was taught that words are important, but feelings are everything. I don't understand not sharing big, huge, important things that have molded me into the person that is standing (typing) in front of you. I feel inadequate in this area, I can't relate. My question, how do I encourage this person to say these words? How do I encourage this person and make sure they know that I'm here for them? Is just being there enough? Do I try to give advice? Should I back away until this 'fight' is over? I mean, this is not an area I know much about.... I see these things on Pinterest that say, "Be kind, everyone is going through a battle of their own." What I'd really like to see is something that gives instructions on the right way to be kind, and maybe instructions on how to help others in their battles. Do you have unsaid words? Why are you keeping them? Are they too hard to speak? Do you feel like you won't be heard? How long have you kept these unsaid words? How have they changed you? If you want an ear, I'm here. Your words are important. Your feelings are important. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.